...Forever and ever my baby you'll be.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever my baby you'll be."

My mom used to read me that book when I was little. Now I can't even get through the first page without sobbing. Blake had another follow up this morning. His pediatrician is out of town for a month long vacation and so we had to see a different doctor. I needed to get Blake in for his follow up for his delay and to have some paper work for his daycare filled out. Normally I would have waited until his pediatrician was back in town but since I needed to get this paper work in before hand, there was no sense in waiting.

The good news: Blake has gained three pounds in the last 3 months and has grown 4 inches! Finally he is growing! Up until now, Blake has weighed the same as he did when he was 10 months old, barley growing. In fact, I just cycled out some 9 and 12 month clothes from his closet. He is now at the 30th percentile for kids his age!! My sweet little shrimp!

The other news: This doctor also ran some tests for Blake's delay. Since it has been 3 months since he was first diagnosed they decided to run it again. The doctor said that I should expect Blake to act like a baby longer. That I need to lower my expectations and realize we might be in this stage for sometime. Its so hard for me, I feel like nothing has changed since Blake's first birthday other than his hair and clothing size. I almost feel like he has regressed. The doctor said that he doesn't think they will be focusing on any outside issues any longer such as; hearing and sight. He said that now my job is to focus on his strengths and helping him build his strengths.

I don't think I was mentally or emotionally prepared for this visit. It wasn't what i was expecting at all. In fact I think I was expecting him to say that Blake was perfectly normal, that the tests sometimes don't reflect the right things. But no, this doctor was the fifth professional to tell me that my son is delayed. That he is not like normal children, and needs extra help. Blake needs to continue with weekly therapy and come in to the doctor again in two weeks. He needs additional testing. For some reason I was thinking that Blake would just catch up and be a normal kid. This doctor told me flat out that Blake might not "catch up". I never thought that was an option. Or maybe I just chose to ignore it. On our way home I bawled my eyes out. Blake was so concerned and was sad that I was sad. I don't know how to feel or act. I know I need to be strong for him. He needs to know I love him just the way he is, he is my most precious prized possession. Yet, I wish he was different. How do I come to terms with that. I love him no matter what, but I wish that he was like other kids. That just doesn't sound right. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know who to talk to, Blake's bio dad doesn't care, and I am sure if I told him about this appointment all he would say is "Well you already knew that. What's the big deal?" He doesn't have to deal with the tantrums, the screaming, the kicking and biting, the hitting, the out of control diaper changes, the hours of crying, the frustration of trying to do every day normal tasks. He will never understand. The nighttime waking, never being called mama/dada, the obsessions, the spinning and opening and closing for hours. Every day is a struggle. Don't get me wrong we have plenty of happy, funny, silly moments; but they are few and far between. Most of our time is spent struggling in some way to get through our daily routines. Why should I call Blake's father to share in my moment of pain, and look for support when he doesn't even care. Why should I call my girlfriends when all they will say is, it will get better. But they don't know. Nothing anyone says will make this situation better or hurt less. I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away. I wish I could hear my son call me Mama, I wish he would rest his head on me, or hug me. I wish that it didn't matter to me. That I could brush off all these feelings and embrace it and deal with it and not shut down. I wish I could be strong and not let this break me down. I am just falling apart. I don't know what to do to make this better.

I know that other parent's have it worse. I am lucky that my son doesn't have a life threatening illness or disease. I know that I need to make a gratitude list and that I need to embrace my son and my life as it is. Dwelling on the negative and feeling pity for myself and my son will do nothing. Sometimes its hard to hold your head up. I will do my best to stay positive and go about my life as I normally would. I suppose I should change out of my sweats and shower and look put together. Maybe if I look it on the outside, I'll feel it on the inside? One can hope.

New and Exciting

Parting with Piper was difficult, but it has made our lives less stressful and for that I am grateful.

I got a VERY part time nanny gig for a little boy a few months younger than Blake and very close to my house. It's not a lot of money, but anything extra is great. I will be able to take Blake with me when I need to, and most of the time he will be with my Grandma. So it works out that I am not paying for care for Blake while caring for another child.

Blake has started to make great strides in his treatment. It is obvious to me that he is starting to understand more and using his listening skills much better. He has started to climb on everything, if I run to the bathroom, by the time I am back he is standing on top of the kitchen table! AHH! He has all of a sudden let me read him books and is now constantly bringing me books to read to him! I love it, it's finally paying off. He can sit next to me nicely and let me read him a story. I love seeing his eyes light up, and pointing to different things he wants to learn about. Before I could never keep his attention long enough to get through one sentence, I know that is pretty common but it was almost as though the sound of my voice bothered him. Blake has also started hitting/scratching/biting. All kids do this, but his outbursts are a little more intense and strange. It's like he is mad at me for something. He loves my Mom and my Grandma but every time he sees me it's like he is enraged and will hit/scratch/bite me nonstop. When he wakes up in the morning he is so happy, and then I walk in his room to get him he screams and attacks me. When we try and play together he runs up and hits me. It's an all the time thing. Its been going on for at least a week straight, hopefully we can get to the bottom of this soon, because its kind of breaking my heart!

In good Blake news... he had a modeling gig on Wednesday and another on Friday! On Wednesday he had a shoot for Zulily, check them out here:  http://www.zulily.com/invite/astewart801  
and on Friday he had a shoot for an artist management company called FKB Artist Management, check them out here: http://fkbartistmanagement.com
At Zulily, Blake modeled a couple outfits. One was an adorable hoodie sweatshirt and the other was this AWFUL Halloween romper. I mean it was bad! It will be up on the site in about two weeks and you can see for yourself... yikes! As for his FKB shoot... my Grandmother took him... and it doesn't sound like it went very well. Hopefully they can see past the fact that my Grandma had him in a stained shirt!!! EEK! Oh well, they were hiring for a spread in Costume Express, a catalog that comes out around Halloween time and sells Halloween Costumes.http://www.costumeexpress.com/ He would be perfect for the gig, I just hope he impressed them enough. :)

It's official, I go back to school in 23 days! I am so excited and ready! I just hope my Financial Aid check comes in, otherwise I will be scrambling to make money. Not going is just not an option for me. I want to fulfill my dream of becoming an elementary school teacher, and I am determined to do so.

Here's to cute babies and making dreams come true <3

Arielle Michelle

Saying Goodbye

Today is a difficult day for me. I am saying goodbye to my Piper love. My sweet little puppy that I wanted so bad and drove all the way down to Southern Oregon to get. My cousin Elisabeth is taking her, and I am so happy that she will go to a good home. I am just disappointed that I am not the one that can give her the love and care that she needs. I don't think its fair to bring this sweet innocent puppy into my home and then have to give her away because I do not have the funds to properly train her.

Piper is the alpha, and she has been "marking" everywhere that my other dog likes to sleep. Bella's bed(s), my bed, the couch, my mom's bed. Not to mention my floor. Piper was almost completely house broken and then she just gave up. She will pee right in front of me, or in my bed when I am sleeping. She has even peed on my mom.... Of course this makes me angry and frustrated, but I feel like with a little work this problem can be solved. I am heartbroken that I have to give her away because of it. I know that everything going on with Blake is stressful, and its hard when I have to put Blake second because, I am taking the puppy out, or cleaning a puppy mess, etc. Blake isn't very nice to the puppy either, he often hits her, pulls her fur, and the other day I caught him biting her! Every time Piper finds a toy she wants to play with Blake takes it from her and then cries when she goes after him. Its stressful, I am hoping that I will feel a sense of relief when she goes... but right now I am just sad. I have been crying non-stop... it might have something to do with the fact that I just got my wisdom teeth taken out and the pain killers make me feel weird.

Piper will be living with my cousin/best friend Elisabeth in Puyallup. So she will only be about two hours away. I worry because they have a kitten, and they don't have a fenced yard. I know that Elisabeth is responsible and everything will be fine. I am just the biggest worrier. Piper will get to be around two adorable kids every other week who will just love her to death. Well, I better go put together her bag of belongings.

Until next time,

Arielle

Feeling frustrated

It's been a while since I have posted. We missed our last appointment with Nancy because Blake was having a rough day and I canceled. She was on vacation this week and our next appointment isn't until Monday afternoon... which happens to be the same day I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out. So that should be interesting. We had our family reunion last Sunday and it was fun for Blake to get to see some of his cousin's but it was really hot and we didn't stay for that long. Here is Blake with two of his cousin's at the reunion:

I started to feel like Blake was making great progress with his therapy, and I was getting really excited but I often feel like we are slipping backwards. The other day Blake wanted something that was on the table, so he pulled out a chair climbed up and grabbed what he wanted. This was the first time he had ever done anything like that. I am so proud of him! Blake has also started to understand what I am saying more. I asked him to help me find his shoe and he actually looked for it! It felt so good to see him understand what I was saying and act on it. I try really hard not to get caught up on the negative things but sometimes it becomes too much. Blake hates for me to touch him. He has to initiate the touch and it is never for very long. Its hard for me when he is sad and I want to hug him but it just makes him scream harder. He probably cries for over half of the day, whining or crying of some type. I think its probably because he can't tell me what he wants or what he needs but it's so frustrating to have to try and guess and he just gets more frustrated because I am not doing the right thing. 

Another frustration for me this week was getting his final evaluation from the Little Red Schoolhouse. I knew that he qualified for the program because he was diagnosed with a developmental delay. I know that he is not like other kids, I know that he needs extra attention and help. His results said that at 18 months he has the social ability of a 9 month old, the cognitive ability of an 11 month old, adaptability of a 12 month old and so on. It was hard to read. I went through his baby book the other day and he was talking at 5 months, he said "hi" and "mama" and "Bella" but then one day he just stopped. What happened? Did something happen? Could have this been prevented?! Was it something I did, did I neglect him? Did something happen when I left him at his other grandparents house? Was it from his jaundice and because we had different blood types? Was it because he was premature? Was it because he fell off the couch at 13 months? Was it because his babysitter didn't strap him in his highchair and he fell out? (Both accidents he was in in the ER and diagnosed with a concussion) Was it because the hospital released him too early and the 8 hours that we were home he had brain damage?! I can not let these things go. I can't get over that I could have possibly done something different to make it so this never happened. I want to be optimistic, I want to look towards the progress, and see the changes, and be happy but I keep getting held back. 

Another issue I am having is with my mother again. I don't know if I have a sense of too much entitlement, or if I would be too uncomfortable with another situation. Just today when my mother saw me writing this she asked me if it was about her again. She was very offended by my post. I apologized to her, but she said I was lying. Everything I said was truthful. I understand that we have different perspectives and the only thing that she could come up with is that I  "lied" about was that I only passed out food to the homeless on two accounts that she could remember... interesting. She said that it made her reevaluate everything, that I was just tolerating her, and that I never really loved her. That she isn't mean to my friends, that I lied about that. I told her that those words came straight from my friends. That my friends don't like to come here when she is around because she is not friendly and is rude. She once slapped me across my face and bashed my head into the side of the window because I ate a single tater-tot of hers. While my horrified friends Rose and Annie watched in the backseat. She is probably going to hate me for saying that, but its true. I know I was a VERY difficult child/teenager, and I have apologized many times. I wish that I never had to put my mom in those situations. I pray that Blake doesn't put me through that either. I do have fun with her, and we do laugh together and enjoy going and doing things together some of the time. I just feel like a burden to her. I have felt that way as long as I can remember. Maybe I am defensive and rude because I have some underlying hurt feelings, or feelings of being unwanted. I just wish we could get this worked out. That we could live together and be happy. I hate having to rely on her. This isn't the life she wanted and I'm not helping.

 I feel like my only option is moving in with a roommate, and working full time on top of going to school full time. I would have to put Blake in state funded daycare, one of the ones that are open 24 hours and take kids up to 12 years of age and take children in on a "drop-in" basis. I just can't do that, I have heard too many stories of abuse in those situations as well as experienced it myself. I would feel like I was endangering my child by doing that. I also have been looking at room-shares on craigslist and people are constantly saying "no kids". If I were to work full time and go to school full time, I would never see Blake, on top of not being able to qualify for financial aid, which is the only way I can afford school. I will actually be making more money as a full time student on a Pell Grant, then I did when I was working as a medical assistant.

 Its a good thing I started going to therapy so that I can get some of these issues worked out. I just wish I could change the situation with my mom. That she and I could understand each other better. My first piece of "homework" from my therapist was to understand where my mom is coming from and to try and see things from her point of view. I got as far as, she never asked for this. She wants her own space. She tries to mother Blake because she didn't get to spend a lot of time with me when I was a baby. I hope that if she reads this she isn't offended. I told her that my blog was an honest look at how I feel and that I didn't mean to offend her. I feel bad that she's offended. I just needed to get my feelings out there.

Until next time.

<3 Arielle

My first time away from Blake

Let me start with last week.

Blake had his appointment with Nancy (and  has another this afternoon) where I created a "sensory play" activity. I took an empty clear container with a lid and put some old cereal in it (some fiber squares no one was ever going to eat) and then a big empty plastic bowl, some measuring cups and a spoon. I then grabbed a small muffin pan and some coffee beans and put the coffee beans inside the individual muffin sections. We went upstairs to Blake's room since he seems to focus better up there and the dogs wouldn't be all over him. He loved it! He probably played for a half hour (which is a REALLY long time for Blake to do one activity) and then moved on to other things in his room. Nancy said the goal of the sensory activity was to try and see if he would be able to be focused on play and learning. Nancy would try and get him to say "more" when scooping or giving him individual pieces. She said that most times its easier to get kids to pay attention to you when they are focused on an activity that they liked. That was not the case with Blake. We will see how today goes.

One of my friends has recently moved very close by. We went to high school together and she has a daughter a week older than Blake. Her name is Maybelle and she is absolutely adorable! She is so smart and funny, she is really just wonderful! I think its great that Blake can be around her more and learn from her. They have a pool at their new complex and we have gone swimming with them twice. It has been amazing for me to see Blake so relaxed and just happy. I am so grateful that they have moved closer to us! Here is a picture of Blake and Maybelle after swimming earlier this week :)

We also went and had lunch with some of Blake's cousins in Snohomish. My mom's first cousins are younger than her and both have kids 6-12 months older than Blake. This was the first time we have gotten them all together at the same time. They had a great time being silly and laughing at each other. Hopefully we can get them together again soon! This is the best picture I could get...

So now for my first time away from Blake... I have never spent a weekend away before. I have spent a night away but I left after Blake went to bed and I was back before he got up, and I was in the ER so I don't really count that! I needed a break, just time to relax and get a little mental health time in. I decided I would go see my sister in Spokane and that we would go to the Silverwood Theme Park in Idaho. I only had $150 to bring with me. No extra money in the bank, nothing. This was pushing it. If anything went wrong I would be completely stranded/screwed/fucked. 

Here is how I pulled it off: 

• I found discounted park tickets at Costco... not much but saved about 25%. Ticket Price:$35
• RIDESHARE: This was my biggest money saver... I had been looking on CL to see if there were any babysitting gigs or last minute things I could sell to make my stay a little more comfortable. I have seen the Rideshare section before but never thought to click on it. Something told me that I should just do it. So I put out an ad saying I was headed to Spokane on Friday morning and if anyone wanted a ride it would be $35 each way. So I took a rider with me on the way there and one on the way back. Total I spent on gas: $36 ($21 of which I found in my change jar and took to a coinstar before I left) 
• No eating out!  I packed all my snacks and drinks from home, I had 3 water bottles that I made Iced Passion tea in before I left on Friday morning. Made a turkey sandwich and brought some crackers. I was lucky enough to be able to eat at my sisters and not have to go out for dinner that night. Saturday morning we ate toast for breakfast and packed our lunches once again.
•  I brought $60 spending money since this was my big "purchase" my sister brought $50 and we decided we would just put our money together and whatever we wanted we would get. We ended up with $30 left over and after 11 hours at the theme park, decided we would get a pizza on our way home. 
• I left early Sunday morning with $34 left in my wallet. My rideshare filled up the tank and then I put $15 in in Ellensburg and called it good. 

I still can't really believe I pulled that off, but I did and boy am I proud of myself! I even got to make two new friends with doing the rideshare. Lee, on the way over; a 25 year old "wwoofer" http://www.wwoof.org/ on his way to a Buddhist Monastery, ridesharing and wwofing his way from the Indiana/Kentucky border. And Trevor on the way back; a 20 year old Mt.Spokane graduate, looking to make a name for himself outside of the "town" he grew up in. I had a great time with both of them, I had the best conversation with Lee, but had a great time jamming out to some good ol' Fleetwood Mac with Trevor. I will 100% rideshare again.

Boy did I miss Blake! The first night I found myself almost panicked. I missed him a lot, I was worried that my mom was overwhelmed with the dogs and Blake and it being so hot and humid. When I called my grandparents to talk to him on Saturday he burst into tears at the sound of my voice. Boy did that make me feel bad! I know that it was healthy for me to be away but next time I will bring him with me. It was hard for me to figure out that time away anyway. It will be easier to bring him along and that way we won't miss each other! 

Little man is up early from his nap! 

<3 Arielle

"Don't quit five minutes before the miracle"

Blake had his first real therapy appointment on Friday afternoon. Nancy our "Coach" has been to the house several times but our other visits weren't actually therapy visits they were goal setting and assessments. So I was looking forward to making some type of progress. I had meant to do this post right after she left because I was feeling disappointed, and a bit frustrated but I just never got around to doing it.

Nancy showed up 25 minutes late with no call or text... irritating. I realize we all have busy lives and that everyone runs late sometimes, but its nice to get a heads up... We sit down and she asks me which goal I would like to focus on for the day. I decided to go with communication, since it is our biggest problem. 

I understand that she doesn't know Blake and his abilities, but she seemed completely unprepared. She observed for a bit, and they attempted to play with a puzzle that I had bought for Blake the week before. She came to the conclusion that he doesn't seem interested with things for too long. That he gives up and moves onto the next toy, before he figures out how to work it. He often paces from the kitchen to the family room without any real reason. He almost seems bored. Obviously, I know this since I am with him every day... what can we do to change this, is the question. Nancy seemed like she was worried that she wouldn't be able to come up with therapeutic activities that would hold his attention. She kept saying "Hmm, well I don't know about that." Okay, that's not really reassuring... 

About the only helpful, yet bothersome, idea that she came up with was baby talk. Yes, simple speech. She said that I talk to him like an adult, or like he is older, or understands more. I admit it, I talk "baby talk" to him sometimes, high pitched voice, silly talk etc. I just don't feel like saying "Baby want milk?" is beneficial, I say "Blake, would you like some milk to drink?" But, I'm not the expert. I always wait for Blake to answer me, even if he can't say yes or no, I can usually understand if he wants something or not. If he wants a food item he will say "num num" and if he wants something else he will put his arm out and make this awful whiny noise. We make it work. Its difficult and frustrating not knowing what he wants or why he is upset at this age when I see other kids able to express themselves more clearly. I wonder if a reason I was feeling burnt out before is because I don't feel like my son has been making any cognitive progress. Anyway, Nancy suggested that I use the "pausing" strategy for other activities; showing him how a toy works, diaper and clothing changes, etc. I am not sure how I can do that more, she said to me that many of the things that they suggest parents do, I already do. This gives me mixed feelings, first and foremost I am more frustrated. I am already doing and have been doing these techniques to help my son, yet I see no progress. So how is this woman going to help us any, if I am already doing the strategies, and techniques she came here to teach me. On the second hand, it makes me feel good that I naturally can do these things to help my son. 

The only real activity that Nancy and Blake did was blowing bubbles. She was trying to get Blake to say "more" when she stopped blowing the bubbles. "More" is a word that I have been trying to get Blake to say for a long time, since he was an infant. He will make an "Mmm" sound when reminded to say "more" but can not form the word. Nancy then decided we should schedule next week's appointment and that I needed to come up with a form of sensory play for him to do at the visit. She suggested dry rice in a bin for scooping. That was the only suggestion and she told me that it would be my job to think of the activity. This bothered me a bit, maybe I was just extra sensitive that day. Did I expect a miracle? I have worked in a Montessori preschool and took a year of Early Childhood Development so I know some sensory play techniques and use them often with Blake since its the only real bonding we can do. (He doesn't like me to initiate touch, so he doesn't like snuggling or hugging, sitting on  my lap etc.) I suppose I will work on planning an activity for us to do on Tuesday afternoon next week. 

I suppose I need to remember that good ol' saying "Don't quit five minutes before the miracle". It's something I used to hear all the time when I was first trying to get sober (7 years ago) and it's stuck with me. I know that if I continue to work with Blake daily and give it my best that we will see progress.

<3 Arielle

Homemade Shampoo

Coconut milk shampoo! As I promised in my post a few days ago... here is my shampoo recipe:

In a glass measuring cup pour in 7 oz of canned coconut milk. I used Thai Kitchen because it is pure coconut milk, water and sugar. No preservatives.( I could have made my own but lets face it, I'm not that dedicated... yet) I poured two oz of the castile soap and then an ounce of honey and a few drops of the pure coconut oil. I also added vanilla extract for the smell, but just a tad. I then stirred the mix and placed it in the microwave for 15 seconds. (The coconut milk can harden and separate when cooled so in order to make it a liquid just throw it in the microwave for a few seconds) Then pour into a dispenser of your choice. I bought the one above for .99 cents at World Market ( http://www.worldmarket.com/home/index.jsp?camp=ppc%3AGoogle%3ABrand_*Core%3Aworld_market&gclid=CNeo9se-urECFSc0Qgod6jQAXA)
I refrigerate after every use, but whether or not you would like to do that is up to you. I have left it out a night and it was fine.

Do not use this shampoo every day. It will not leave your hair with that squeaky clean feeling that you are used to with regular shampoo (that strips your hair of its natural oils). I have very long thick hair, running out of conditioner in the shower is usually my worst nightmare. I have not had to use conditioner once with this shampoo. If you feel you do need conditioner you can rinse your hair with apple cider vinegar or lemon juice. Also a hot oil mask works wonders. I prefer coconut oil (I am obsessed with coconut oil. I will have to dedicate a post just about how much I love it soon.) just put the coconut oil in a pyrex glass measuring cup and adjust to how long your hair is. I use about 4- 6 oz (I have a lot of hair!) and warm for about 25 seconds. Pour on your hair (CAREFULLY!) making sure to get all of it soaked with the oil, from ends to roots. Put a shower cap or saran wrap over your hair for about 30 minutes and then rinse off in the shower. It will take awhile to get out of your hair, but it will be so soft and luxurious after!

Again, if you are wondering why I have decided to do this you can go to: http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ to look up the beauty products you are using and the corresponding health grade.

Not the best picture... doesn't do my hair justice, but to give you an example of what I mean when I say I have long/thick hair (currently past the middle of my back)

That's it for now.

<3 Arielle

Mommy Dearest...

As many of you know I currently live with my mom. Moving in with my mom was supposed to be a temporary thing after my ex and I broke up back in December of 2009... (yes that same ex that just moved out of my mom's house at the end of May)... I ended up pregnant in April (with my rebound's child, also a friend I have known since I was 5 years old) and well almost three years later here I am sitting in my mom's house writing this.

If you know my mother and I, you will know that we are oil and water. We do not mix well. I am the kind of person that needs to be around people all the time, I like to have a busy home and I enjoy being adventurous. My mother is the kind of person who prefers to stay inside and not leave the house on her day off. Growing up having friends over was always difficult, my mother doesn't like having company and didn't like me having sleepovers, because it is her home and she feels uncomfortable with other people around. In fact, about two months ago one of my best girlfriends and her live in boyfriend broke up. She didn't feel like staying at the house with him so I of course offered to let her stay at my house for the night. My mom has never been friendly to my friends, and my friends constantly ask me if she does not like them, or if they did something wrong, or offended her somehow. When we came back to my mom's house, she sat downstairs with us for about five minutes before excusing herself and going to bed. She turned to my friend and said "Do not bother me for any reason" in a completely serious tone, it was not sarcastic, it was not a joke. I can understand not wanting to be disturbed but I do not understand the need to be flat out rude to someone for no reason.

When I moved in my mom already didn't want Bella to come, she hated her. Now Bella sleeps in bed with my mom and they enjoy each other's company, she even told Bella she was going to miss her when she left for a weekend trip to Walla Walla.  When I told my mother I was pregnant, she didn't talk to me for at least 3 days, maybe more. And now that I have Piper, in her home, she is angry. She doesn't like that Piper is the Alpha and takes Bella's toys, she says its "unfair" and that Bella is older so she should be the Alpha, I have explained to her that it doesn't work that way but she doesn't understand. She says I need to get rid of the puppy, which is something I have no intention of doing. I can understand why she is upset and that she was not the one who wanted two dogs, a daughter and a baby living with her. It sucks, I know she must feel really uncomfortable in her own home. Yet, I do not feel like I have a home. I am constantly reminded that this is not my house, my bedroom is her office, my son's bedroom is the guest bedroom, I am not to hang any pictures etc. I clean the house (religiously), I buy all the food, and I try my hardest to stay out of her way. I feel so stuck, I hate staying here. I wish that I had somewhere else to go, that I could afford to live on my own and be my own person and raise my son the way that I want to. Because did I mention, that almost everything I do for my son my mother contradicts. I don't want him to do something and my mother lets him, I tell him that he is being naughty, my mother tells him he is not being naughty. I reprimand him for doing something he is not supposed to and my mother coddles him. There is no doubt about it, I am tough. I stick to my guns and its hard. But its even worse when the other person in the house does exactly what you would never do. I plan on raising Blake very independently, I want him to be able to make his own decisions but they will have boundaries. I don't mind if he gets messy or accidentally draws on the wall because all these things can be cleaned and there is no point in getting in a huff over such a thing. Yet, if he draws on the wall he will have a time out because it is naughty and not the kind of behavior he is to exhibit. If it was up to my mother he would not have any crayons and not be allowed to color at all because, without a doubt he will end up coloring somewhere he is not to.

My problem now, and well its been a problem for quite sometime, is to learn to co-exist with my mother in a way that is healthy for all involved. My mom constantly says I am too selfish, and I do not see my self in that way at all, I think of myself as someone who cares about others too much. "Big heart syndrome" I am the first to take in a stray, or rescue a pet, give someone a place to stay, etc. ( Instead of volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving growing up I would take our left overs and find homeless people on the street and give them our left overs, at one point I had a big group of friends doing this with me. The other day I asked my mom if we could become foster parents... that obviously didn't go over well, and I'm not sure this would be the best environment anyway..) I am hoping that this week I can think of some good ways to try and co-exist with my mom, and if that fails... well it can't I have no where else to go. :/ I'll be back on later with my shampoo recipe, more on eating FRESH, and BPA free. I just had to get this off my chest.

<3 Arielle

Filling you in...

Alright, well I've been MIA, but not for long. My plan is to switch back over to blogging so that I can free up my facebook from all my personal business, DIY projects, and money saving tips, etc.  Here's a quick catch up:

Ex boyfriend moved out at the end of May. We are not currently on speaking terms...
Still waiting to be swept off my feet and fall madly in love...
Got a temporary job, that is now over. Once again I find myself a "stay at home" mom.
Got a new puppy... a "Chuggle" Pug, Chihuahua, Beagle; her name is Piper.

And now for the more "intense" catch up:

If you are my facebook "friend" you will know that in the last few weeks my posts have been sort of depressing or different. Well, I was depressed. I was very upset. At my son's 18 month check up they diagnosed him with a developmental delay. They do not know what exactly is wrong with him, or why but that he will need therapy every week to try and get him to where he needs to be. His pediatrician recommended that I have Blake evaluated by a specialist at The Little Red Schoolhouse; a resource for parents and children with developmental disabilities living in Snohomish County. (You can read more about them here: http://www.littlered.org/) Two weeks ago Nancy from Little Red came to our home and did an intensive 2 hour evaluation with a speech therapist that works on her team. They came to the conclusion that my son is delayed in several different areas including; social-emotional, speech, cognitive and adaptability. I have had questions about my son's development for a very long time and expected this to be the outcome, yet I was devastated. No one wants their baby to be different, to be autistic or have a disability, whether it be seen or unseen. This completely threw me off. I could barley function, I ended up quitting my temp job because I couldn't even focus clearly at work. Everyone and everything bothered me. I wouldn't even pick up the phone to talk to my best friend. I didn't even tell Blake's bio dad until two days ago, to which he said "Well there's nothing you can do about it so you shouldn't be sad." must be easy to say for someone who doesn't ever see their child. In fact, he actually told me he didn't want to be a part of Blake's life anymore... not that I'm surprised or really care too much since he is a complete waste of a human being. I just wish Blake could have a strong male influence growing up... a whole different subject.

Anyway, somehow I was able to pull myself up from the depths of listening to "Turn The Page" on repeat (Cause I'm a HUGE Bob Seger fan...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe7yOccqdxI) and focus on reality and cleaning my life up. We met with Nancy again a week later to come up with our Early Intervention Plan, goals for Blake to meet and become a better communicator. We will start therapy on this coming Friday where we will work on name recognition (because he rarely responds to his name) and anticipating everyday actions such as clothing and diaper changes. I will update you on how this goes after our session on Friday. I also decided that we needed to rid our lives of toxins, since we do not know the reasons behind Blake's delay I want to do everything possible to make sure its nothing environmental. My long term goal is to put him on the Autism, Asperger's, ADHD diet (you can read more about it here:http://www.autismweb.com/diet.htm) , but it takes a lot of work so I thought I would start slowly. Making homemade shampoo (Johnson's and Johnson's are a HUGE No, No! Read about it here: http://safecosmetics.org/downloads/NoMoreToxicTub_Mar09Report.pdf) was one of our first changes, followed by BPA free, and only eating FRESH which means if it doesn't go bad within a week, we won't be eating it.... On my next post I will tell you exactly how we eat "fresh", my shampoo recipe and becoming BPA free.

That's it for now. Someone's up from his nap!

<3 Arielle

Finding my self confidence... slowly.

I haven't written in awhile because life gets crazy sometimes! In the last few weeks I've been trying to figure it all out. It seems like maybe I am lost without a job, but I'm not sure. Not that being a stay at home mom isn't a job and the biggest one at that, I'm just thinking maybe I'm not cut out for it. After a particularly cranky week last week and getting up with Blake 6 times last night, I am exhausted.

My ex boyfriend has practically moved in here, not that its far from the norm for him. But last night was the first night we spent apart in 6 days. My mom finally asked me if he was moving in and I told him he had to go home for the night. I went to bed at 9:30, it was amazing... until Blake woke up at 12, and then 1, and then 2:15 and then 3, and then 3:30 and then when I finally got up for the morning at 3:56.... I don't know whats going on with my ex and I. We used to do this all the time, he would stay here for weeks and then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. This is part of the reason we stopped talking in the first place, after I had Blake and he started getting attached I didn't want him disappearing all the time. Blake has started calling him Dada, even though from the time he was a few weeks old we have been calling him "CeCe". Its hard for him and I to have a normal friend relationship, I feel like I'm in a sexless relationship. Like were some old married couple that just doesn't have sex. We go out to dinner and no matter what restaurant we go to, we always know what the other one is going to order. He makes me breakfast in the morning, he cooks my eggs perfectly. He puts my baby in the highchair and feeds him, gets him in and out of the car, takes him to the children's museum, babysits him while I have to run an errand and even puts him down for a nap without a fuss! He cleans my house, does the dishes, sweeps, drives my car, carries my bags, etc. We are really good at compromising we never argue about what tv to watch or what to listen to in the car, we have the same values as far as raising children go. But we just aren't made for each other. If we disagree on something, there better not be anyone within a 20 ft radius of the two of us because dishes will fly. He drinks like a fish, and it drives me crazy. It wasn't like that when we got together the day after I turned 18 and he was 27... I was sober then and he liked that. Until I relapsed and all hell broke loose. We have had many nights when a simple night of drinking and movies at home have turned into holes in the wall and trips to the hospital. That's why we broke up in the first place, so when I see him drink a glass of wine at 11:30 am, it freaks me out. I don't want Blake growing up around that kind of thing. I hardly ever drink, but when he's around its like my inner alcoholic comes out and I am right there drinking with him. I love the man to death, I have bailed his ass out off jail numerous times, given him a place to stay when he has no place else to go, he helped me with Blake right after he was home from the hospital, he gave him his first bath because I was too scared. I just don't want to be unavailable to some other guy because I'm too emotionally attached to my ex. Which reminds me...

Still hung up over Georgie. I don't know if its my loss of friendship with him or if its the fact that the words "I hoped there was something more between us... I can't be worried about you and Blake when I'm doing what I do... I can't be a dad now" linger in my head all the time. I am sad, I don't understand how he can just move on with his life and not look back and I am just stuck here. I feel like a girl who lived in a tiny town in middle America who stayed there got knocked up and her high school sweetheart went off to do big things in the world and when he came back for her he realized that she was still stuck in that life in that small town not going anywhere. Maybe I'm just super self conscious. I always feel like if I was just a little bit more like this or that, then he would want me. Like with my ex, neither one of us has tried to make a move on the other, but I guarantee you that if I was skinny right now, he would be all over me. I know that I can't just change myself over night but I am going to go back to bed this morning and when I wake back up I am going to love myself. I am going to feel beautiful and pretty and like I'm the kind of bitch that wouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve.

So with that, I am going to go take a morning nap and wake up with a positive vibe.

The "other" love of my life...

I always refer to Blake as "The Love of My Life" but, I do have another, if there is such thing. He has been on my mind a lot lately...

When I met him, I was 15 or 16, he was like no one I had ever met before. He was so sure of himself, he was bad like me but he wanted to do something better with his life. We met in an outpatient treatment center for kids addicted to drugs and alcohol. He had something like 9 months sober, he actually went to AA meetings he was cute and smart and I hung off of every word he said. I relapsed and was put in a different outpatient group but he would write me notes on the whiteboard... "stay up" or "easy does it" I couldn't stay sober to save my life. Somehow he and I remained friends, we went to each others houses, we went to meetings together, downtown to go shopping, we even went to the same community college (since I was still in high school I did a program where I could do cc for high school and college credits) I remember we would talk on the phone until late, one time we coordinated to wear glasses to school on the same day... We were head over heels for each other but neither one of us had the balls to say anything to the other one.  We went to prom together my Jr year of high school, sober AA dances, jet skiing on lake Washington, tanning and jumping off the dock of Madison beach. We kissed one time summer between jr and sr year, up in his room waiting to be picked up to go bowling and then we heard a horn honk and figured it was our friend... then we had an awkward cigarette smoking session... that was literally the ONLY time there had been anything physical between us... I mean we would "accidentally" touch each others hands but never anything else.  One day we decided we wanted to be together, he told me we had to wait until I had one year sober... in between that time he was my best friend, he drove me places, listened to my cry, he was my rock. One time he dropped me off in the U district, drove to Auburn to hang out with a friend, but I got sick and had no way to get home, so he picked me up and took me home and went back to Auburn. That's at least a good two hours of driving. That one year came and went and it never happened between us. He got his own place and we had sleepovers, never in the same bed, went to church the next morning together, we went to strip clubs together, even got a lap dance together (MOST AWKWARD MOMENT OF MY LIFE!) he taught me how to play black jack and gave me money to gamble. Our friends, especially his would always joke and say "When are you guys gonna just get married!?" but we were just friends...

If there ever was a time I was really in love, it was with him. It became apparent to me we would never be together so I dated other people, he would always come around as soon as I had a new boyfriend but he was always the best friend. He was the one that was there when I needed someone to talk to because my boyfriend treated me like shit. I always picked the worst guys! One day he called and told me he was going to join the army, it was one of the hardest things I think I ever had to listen to. He was so full of life and bright and he could do anything he wanted to, why would he do this? The night before he left for boot camp we all went out to one of our favorite hookah spots and I remember us sitting close, maybe I was even on his lap, I took the ring he always wore off of his finger and put it on mine, I felt like my heart was going to come right out of my chest. He just smiled and I went home to my live in boyfriend and that was that, he was gone. I remember the first letter I got from him... I screamed I was so excited. When I think about him now, my stomach gets butterflies. Who still makes you get butterflies after 6 years?! But, I got pregnant, and of course he was the first person I told, he was getting ready to leave for Iraq, I was telling him I was pregnant with some other guys baby. It was the strangest feeling. When your a kid, you imagine your life going a certain way and then everything changes in a single instant. He left for Iraq a few weeks later, he called me at the airport to say goodbye and I had to hang up the phone because I couldn't even say anything without crying.
When he came home, I had given birth to my son, he had two weeks home before he went back, he had started drinking again, and he saw me two times. Things were obviously different. He was distant, he told me he couldn't be my sons Godfather, because he was going to re-enlist. I can't even explain how I felt, but disappointed doesn't even begin to explain it. The night before he left he came over to say goodbye, but he brought a friend and ignored me the whole time. We hugged goodbye and I went to my room and cried for three hours. He went back to Iraq and I didn't hear from him, I tried to send him messages but he never responded. He got home to Texas where he was stationed, and we had sent each other text messages here and there but he never really responded anymore.

The end,

I called him, I was driving home from work and a song came on the radio that we would always sing to each other, I told him I missed his crazy ass and I wanted to know why he had been such a stranger. He was drunk. He told me he knew how it felt to love someone that didn't give a fuck about you, he possibly mumbled something about how he didn't care about me anymore. I lost it, I don't even remember much of my drive home because not only was I crying harder then ever, I think I was in a daze. I got into my house and poured myself a glass of vodka, I sent him a message along the lines of I will never forgive you for what you said to me, I will never talk to you again... he messaged me back something about how he had hoped there was something more between us, he didn't want to be another guy that failed me so he was going to just walk away, he loves me and he loves my son, but he can't be worried about us when he is doing what he is doing. The next week felt like someone had died, I know I sent him a bazillion messages about how I would have married him in a heartbeat and I've waited for him for the last who knows how long and how I just didn't understand. He never messaged me back. I deleted him from my life, his phone number, his face book, his pictures everything I had, I got rid of. I knew that he came home a few times, I actually expected him to come to my house, to apologize, I had some crazy idea that he was going to come to my house and tell me he loves me and that we should be together. It never happened. We still have a few of the same friends, most of all who live in different states now and just come home to visit, someone told me he was doing really well and that he had told them what happened. While explaining the situation I came to the realization I may have over reacted. I mean, don't get me wrong my heart has been crushed, but I did completely flip out on him. I do understand that what he sees when he is over there must be so hard, and I respect him for what he does and he is so much braver then I could ever be. I was so hurt, I am so hurt. I swallowed my pride and sent him a message, I told him that I was sorry for blowing up and I understood where he was coming from. That I truly wish him the best in all he does and hope he is well. The next night he messaged me back and said he was well and hoped I was too. I tried to message him the other day, I asked him if we would ever be friends again. Its been three days. He doesn't need to message me, I know the answer.

If you are reading this, you probably think I am crazy, we weren't even ever together! I don't know what it is, maybe its because he helped turn me into the person everyone always knew I could be. He helped me to see, that I was worth it, that I was special and funny and capable of being loved. I have to let this be the end of that long chapter of my life. If I don't get over this, it will keep holding me back. So this is my goodbye to him.

To new beginnings, new love, and knowing I deserve the very best.

<3 Arielle Michelle

Feeling like a failure

Sometimes you set the goals too high for yourself. I think in my case that's exactly what I've done. Or its that self sabotage thing coming out again. I don't know if it was the whole ex and baby daddy thing that threw me for a loop or if it was the fact that when I weighed in I didn't loose nearly as much as I wanted to. I have 5 pounds to go before I hit the number that I can never get under. I know that if I can get under this number its going to be smooth sailing from there. I missed another training appointment Thursday morning. Its like there could be a fire in my house and I would sleep through it... I set 3 alarms and I still slept through them all! I also purposely didn't go to the weigh in Wednesday night, who wants to be the person who only lost one pound, or didn't loose any at all? I weighed myself for the first time since then today and I did actually loose a few pounds but I was worried I hadn't lost any because I have been really really bad.

Let me explain to you what really really bad means:
Over the course of the last two weeks
I actually ate two freakin hostess donut pack things
ate enough mac n cheese for 3 people
and had a coffee almost every day, and when I say coffee I mean a 16 oz non fat mocha with marshmallow flavoring.... at least it was non-fat right?
I have to meet with my trainer on Monday, so for the rest of the weekend I have decided I am only going to eat my meal replacement shake, a chicken breast for lunch and apples for a snack in between. My inner highschool eating disorder is really wanting to come out right now, nothing sounds better then water pills and laxatives for a situation like this. BUT I promised myself I would stay away from anything like that, no drugs, no laxatives and no diuretics.

Its funny because I got my hair done yesterday and I had brought in two pictures of myself with lighter hair that I used to have, one was way way too light and the other too dark, I told the stylist I wanted something in between. When I got home I set the pictures out on the counter and left them there, one of the ladies I meet with for a program I am involved in had come over to the house and picked up one of the pictures. She was shocked to learn that the one picture was me. I was about 117 lbs, maybe smaller I was so beautiful, I didn't care about anything or anyone, I wasn't afraid of rejection or anything. I was beautiful, I always caught people staring at me, I wore the craziest outfits, I could pull of any hair style and I had an amazing self esteem. I wonder what happened that changed everything, I feel like when people look at me now they just look at me because I am some gross fat chick. My feet grew when I was pregnant so I can't fit into any of the cute shoes I used to wear, I remember I used to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, ha. I could only dream of doing that now, and if I did I would be too uncomfortable. I still wear maternity jeans, but I have all my designer jeans sitting out waiting to be worn again. Its so unbelievable that I used to be that size, when I look in the mirror now I see all these horrible stretch marks and a hole where my belly ring used to be. I have this awful round puffy face, my fingers are huge, I feel like I need a breast lift and just a new body in general. Because after I had Blake I swelled up so bad (60 pounds of water weight AFTER I had Blake and had to be hospitalized for Pre-Eclampsia) I have stretch marks everywhere, on the back of my legs (I couldn't even bend them when I was in the hospital, my feet were so swollen I couldn't even wear my Boppi's size 12 slippers. I find it hard to believe that these stretch marks will ever go away, how will I ever feel comfortable to wear a dress or shorts in the summer?

Meh, a little depressing I know. Hopefully I can be good this weekend and accomplish my goals for the next weigh in.

What is it 74 days left? 73?

This weekend was rough, definitely didn't loose anything this weekend! Hopefully my hard work in the gym this morning is going to pay off. I feel dead! I did 30 minutes with my trainer and then 65 minutes at hot yoga, where I pretty much just laid there dying.

Saturday, Blake's biological father decided to come over and see Blake for the first time in months. We went to the park and they played for a bit. Who knows when the next time that will happen but I suppose its better then nothing. He is still young, and selfish. He only thinks about how things benefit him and that obviously makes it hard to be a parent. Although he has child support and daycare to pay (he doesn't pay it) he would rather only work a few hours a week and then still have time to volunteer to coach several football teams and go out with his friends every night. He doesn't understand that as a parent you have to think about your child above everything else. I couldn't imagine being in his position and making those same decisions. Its a tough situation, and I have a 16 years and 10 more months to deal with him...

Something else interesting happened this weekend... I heard from my ex, who I happen to have stayed very good close friends with. A few months ago I got mad at him and told him to get lost, well apparently he missed the baby and wants to be a part of our lives again... well I guess we will see how this goes too. Its funny how someone who isn't the biological father of my child loves and cares for him way more then his biological father does. I send Blake's biological father a picture of him and he doesn't say anything, no smiley face, no thanks, no I miss him. But, my ex will go as far as to ask me a for a picture of my baby and say "I miss him, send me a picture" and when I do I always get a reply of " :) he is a happy boy" or " :) cant wait to see him" its funny to me how my ex will come over with diapers or gifts for Blake, when he doesn't need to and we aren't together and he's not Blake's dad. When Blake's biological father couldn't care less what he needed, when his dad came over this weekend, I had to ask him to get down and play with him and to pay attention to him. My ex would be running around with him and just pick up Blake like it was no big thing, it just comes naturally. There's no denying it, I definitely wish that Blake's biological father was my ex, but he's not and I can't put any expectations on him because that would be wrong. Its just hard for me to accept that Blake's father is such a piece of shit. But I know and am confident that someday I will find some great guy that loves me and my son and will be a great father figure for him. Until then... THE SEARCH IS ON!

Weigh in....

Today is my first weigh in... I've been doing this for 14 days now!? I'm excited! I didn't loose as much as I wanted to in these two weeks and I'm confused. I don't understand why, I ate almost perfect (when we went to visit Blake's paternal Grandma she made bbq chicken wings and rice with a stick of butter, I didn't want to be rude so I ate it). Its strange how weight fluctuates too, this morning I was 3 pounds lighter than I am now, and all I have had is half a banana and a raspberry strawberry smoothie.  I am going to try and be relaxed about the weigh in tonight, I realize that I am not going to win this one but I still lost weight and am definitely loosing inches.

I put in my two weeks at my job yesterday. I am sad to go but am excited to play stay at home mom again. I want to go back to school  so I think it will be nice to take some time off and be with Blake before I go back to school in April. Pretty sure I made up my mind that I want to be a teacher, my whole life as long as I can remember I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I still have to get my AA so I have a little time before I have to choose exactly what I want to do.

I have made it one whole month with out buying anything!! I actually have not bought anything not second hand so far in 2012! With the exception of my personal trainer, I am so proud of myself!! This is a big step! And, I better get used to it since I am going to be even more broke now that I put in my two weeks!

Better start cleaning the house while Blake is still asleep! It only took him an hour to fall asleep.... sheesh!

78 days to go! "Slow but steady wins the race!"

I never in a million years thought I would be a morning person. I actually enjoy getting up at 4:00AM to eat breakfast go to the gym and relax before my baby gets up. Its very strange! I also never in a million years thought that I would be fat. If you told me 4 years ago that I would be sitting here writing a blog at 6:00 AM while my BABY is sleeping and that my babies father is JB and that he has nothing to do with him AND that I am fat... I would have laughed hysterically and said something like "When pigs fly" or "That'll be the day hell freezes over"

Its been a long journey to accepting that this is my reality now. I went out on a Saturday night for the first time in almost 4 months the other day. Its not that I haven't wanted to go out, or that I couldn't have found someone to watch Blake earlier. Its that I'm embarrassed, who wants to be the fat girl at the bar? Its not like I am looking for a hook up or my next love. Its just a weird feeling like even in a group of people, I feel like I'm labeled. "Oh well there's the fat friend", every group has one. Maybe I'm just super self-conscious or maybe I'm right, I'm not really sure. It feels good to get up and go to the gym and know that I am changing how I feel  about myself and how I look. I'm afraid that I am going to go back to the way I used to be and even though I will be healthy and skinny, it won't be enough. The last time I dropped a few pounds I lost 20 pounds and weighed around 125lbs it was the summer after my Sr year, I felt good, I looked damn good but I was still getting teased about my weight from my room mates and my family. My grandparents are the WORST! We used to have dinners every Sunday, there is no worse feeling then being judged for everything that you put on your plate. Or being asked why you aren't working out that day even though I worked out for two hours the day before. "You know, you could really stand to loose a few pounds" "How come you didn't go to the gym today?" "Have you thought about taking a walk?" These are the norms- I don't even want to get into the bad stuff.

I know I have a lot of struggles to come, but I'm ready. I know that my 90 day challenge is a great 1st step and that my 60lbs in 90 days probably isn't realistic but its the goal my trainer set for me. I would be happy if I lost 30lbs in 90 days, although I really hope I loose more.

Alright, time to go shower and clean the house before the baby gets up!

<3 Arielle

82 days to go.. "You got this... Billabong Bikini!!!"

Alright, up early again to meet with my trainer who kicked my ass! We did an obstacle course type circuit this morning and boy was it a good workout! Started with  a weighted ball, I threw it down as hard as I could and picked it back up crunching my abs with each lift for 10 times, then I run to the ropes and pick them up and lift each side for 10 seconds, then over to the burpies (I can't even explain... but KILLER) then onto the mountain climbers for 10 reps and back to the ball. Oh man, 25 minutes of that plus 15 on the bike and 5 of straight abs... I'm dying!!

So, other then what I normally talk about weight loss, exercise, meeting my NYR. I came across some poetry that I wrote when I was about 16. I'd like to share it but I don't really relate with that girl anymore. Things have changed so much for me, I used to be really into drugs and alcohol and really depressed. I was a bad kid and my life wasn't pretty. So I want to warn you that most of these are pretty ugly....

A Poem With No Name:
June 14, 2006

He came in
and poisoned her
forced the vial down her throat
eating her insides out
he tied down her arms and
sliced her blue veins red
he hurt her in so many ways
she though crazy slut was her name
sex isn't supposed to leave you with blood stained sheets and a half hour
of tears
he raped her of every piece of
dignity she had
putting it on display
and morphing her mind
to think wrong
was right
because she was so fucked
she didn't know anymore
she was lost inside of her mask
fell so far down the hole
no hand could help her out
he penetrated every bruise with 1000 needles
poking at her until she had no blood left to spill
and she died
laying on her own blood stained bed
and when the found her
she claimed she was still alive
because she thought she was.
**********************************************************************************

January 30, 2007
"Where I'm from"

I'm from green leaves
and words that sting worse than a rusty nail
as they pierced my heart and twisted their way
to the surface
I'm from fucked up relationships
Shakespeare couldn't even comprehend
I'm from empty 40's that filled me with drunken regrets
and never ending blunts waiting to
numb my present feelings
but the Novocaine wasn't strong enough
and the roach is burning from
my lungs to my finger tips
and I cant understand why the thought
of death
lingers in the air
along with the stale cigarette stench
and they say I haven't changed
my mind is going a mile a minute
but your still the same girl
you just cant seem to accept the fact that
you haven't really changed
and I just want to fall into that black hole and not wake up
and I paint my face to forget what my heart
looks like but the pain
seeps through my eyes
and they look dull
and they say I'm pessimistic
but the pessimist is everyone else
I'm going somewhere
away from where I am from and where I have been
for so long
**********************************************************************************

My past wasn't always pretty and I did things that I am not proud of but its a part of my story so I accept it and move on.
**********************************************************************************
Sometime in 2006
"Bonnie and Clyde"

My finger tips icy
as cold as my frozen heart
I sucked the alcohol from his lips
leaving him passed out and dry
I smoked away death
and gazed at the street lights
letting the rain him my eyelashes
smearing black streams down my red cheeks
I twisted the handle of trust
walking right into the warm room
He was lifeless as dead rotted fruit
We took every piece of dignity he ever had
burning him to ashes
He looks at me and smiles
We took his parents vows
his hard days work
and finished him off with the liquor cabnit
we walk out of the door
my heels sinking in the gravel road
he looks into my eyes and kisses my cheek
whispers I love you and grabs my hand.

**********************************************************************************
Alright, I think that's enough for one day! Shit, maybe even a whole year. When I found these yesterday it shook me to my core. I think that sometimes you just need a reminder of where your from, to see how far you have really come. It was a blessing in disguise.

<3 Arielle

85 days to go, "A Minute on the Lips, a Lifetime on the Hips"

Wow! I can't believe its already been 5 days. I feel amazing... maybe its because I had a killer work out at 5:00 AM this morning or maybe its because I sneaked and weighed myself yesterday and I was already down 4 pounds in 4 days. 7 pounds total from my mini-diet before I started the 90 day challenge. 

I already feel very accomplished, part of doing this is showing myself I can actually follow through and finish something. I can't wait to see what life brings me as a lighter, more fit, happy person. I plan on Skydiving this summer, maybe floating the river in shorts and a tank top and feel good about it? I won't be afraid to lie out on the beach or play at the park with my baby. (Who just woke up) 

I better go and get Blake before he wakes up my mom! 

Arielle 

89 days left "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Last night I braved 2 feet of snow and got my ass to the Biggest Loser opening at my gym. I weighed in at a whopping ***.5 pounds. Hehe. Sorry, too embarrassed! I will tell you that my CRAZY 90 day weight loss goal is 60 pounds in 90 days with an overall goal of loosing 85. This would mean I loose 5 pounds every week. I am going to try my hardest!

Lesson of the day:

DO NOT GO TO THE GYM WITH OUT EATING FIRST.

***********************************************

Whoops, I set my alarm for 5:15 AM, and I must have pressed off instead of snooze. I woke up at 5:40 threw my clothes on grabbed my keys and got in the car, where I drove up hill to the gym! Scary scary drive! I get to the gym and start with 5 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike at level 10. Then I meet with my trainer Ryan who has a little circuit course set out for me. (There were only 2 other people in the gym so it was pretty cool!) He had 3 weighted balls, 5, 10 and 15 pounds, I started by picking up the 5 and running to the other side of the room dropping the ball, running back until all 3 balls were on one side and then I repeated the steps bringing them back to the beginning spot. I am already out of breath, and sweating, we move onto the tire where I am to touch each foot one at a time on the tire for 30 seconds as fast as I can, once again... I AM DYING! Next we lay down and do some abs, I hold my feet in the air pointed at a 40 degree angle for 30 seconds and then do 20 sit ups. Now repeat the whole circuit. I AM REALLY DYING NOW! So much so, I get light headed, and feel like I am going to throw up, I had to spend at least 3 minutes over the garbage can trying my hardest not to throw up! Then onto the weight room where I am sitting holding dumbbells and pretty much "punching" as hard and fast as I can for 1 minute, then back to the balls where I am picking them up squatting down and throwing at the ground as hard as I can 12 times. ALRIGHT, IM DEAD NOW! Ryan ended up having to go get me a poweraide and then called it quits for the day, he told me I needed to eat before I came next time and I wouldn't feel like that again. I felt like shit, for a long time. I still felt sick but decided to drive home, ate a banana and took my morning supplements. He reminded me several times that I was kicking ass and that I shouldn't feel bad. I am a perfectionist, and now feel like I cheated myself of a work out today. I think I am going to have to go back tonight. I really need to make sure I am burning 1000 calories a day AT LEAST, in order to loose the 5 pounds a week.  

Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels:

I made myself a stack of paper, I cut pieces of colored construction paper in half and wrote numbers down from 90 on them. On each day I wrote a reminder to myself, sometimes I used them more then once. Today's, day 89 says: :You got this! $5,000! Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!" Throughout the day, if I am tempted to eat any of the bad food my mom refuses not to buy I just have to look at my page and remember I GOT THIS! NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels! 

Alright, I'm off to pop a Jillian Michael's DVD in and workout a little before my monster wakes up!

90 day challenge...

Alright, so I decided to stick to my NYR so far. I started slow with the diet and am now in uber diet mode. This is something I am very used to, I have probably done every fad diet you could ever think of. My Sr. year of high school I at nothing but a weight loss shake for breakfast, a chicken breast for lunch and a weight loss shake for dinner. I was crazy, BUT I am good at doing things like that. For some reason loosing weight the right way is a slippery slope for me. Its like I think 1 granola treat is so good that I have to eat the whole freakin box.  I know that its not true but shit, its hard! So since the last time I wrote this is what happened: I joined a gym, went everyday for 1 week and then got snowed in. I bought 2 training sessions a week for 1 month and then 1 a week for 7 months. I also... joined the 90 day biggest looser challenge for a chance to win... $5000, and most importantly lose weight and feel good.

I have over a foot of snow outside of my house, and the gym I go to is uphill about a mile and a half from my house. I have to make it, there is no way I am not going to! First of all, I LOVE competition. 2nd of all $5,000 would go a long way for me. As a single mom who doesn't get child support, has a credit score of 498 and student loans to pay back... $5,000 looks really freakin good. Did I mention I haven't gone to work all week, this blows! Pretty sure I am going to loose  my job, so I am going to jump the gun and put in my two weeks whenever I get back. (There's more to that story- but I thought I would update you.)

Here is how I am going to WIN the 90 day Biggest Loser Challenge;
Water only and Tea only, unsweetened of course!

Breakfast options:
Steelcut Oatmeal 1 cup 3 tsp Cinnamon 150 calories
FAGE 2% Strained yogurt with 3 tsp Cinnamon 120 calories
All Fruit smoothie: raspberries, strawberries and blueberries
Fruit and veggie smoothie: spiniach, apple, pineapple, kale and cilantro! (Sounds bad, but it is really good!)

Snack:
raw unsalted almonds or cashews
edamame unsalted
Melon
Satsuma
Hard boiled egg
Peanut butter on a whole wheat cracker

Lunch:
Romaine lettuce with fresh squeezed lemon, 5 croutons, salmon or chicken breast meat.
Salmon filet, with edamame
Chicken breast, with edamame
Any of the breakfast options
Turkey meat, with brown rice

Snack:
Any of the above snack items

Dinner:
Any of the above lunch or breakfast items.

OK, so now that I am hungry for everything not on this list... I will tell you why it is so limited.
I do not want to eat anything with over 300mg of sodium in it. I also do not want to have anything with added sugar or isn't a real sugar like fruit. I am trying to eat things that are "alive" things that will go bad quickly if not eaten and do not have a lot of preservatives.

Now to my work out plan:

I will work out with my trainer on Monday and Friday mornings, on Wednesday nights I will do the group training and on Thursday nights I am doing a free "fit club" I found on an online site called "Meetup". I will be doing 1 month of Bikram Yoga, I plan on doing at least a class 2 times a week... if not more.  Tuesday nights at 8:15 and then Saturdays and Sundays at 5:00. http://www.meetup.com/Everett-Fitness/events/48666162/confirm/ also, this website has meetup's for A LOT of other things.

Here is any easier way to look at it: (Ryan is my trainer)

Mondays:  6:00 AM Ryan
Tuesdays: 8:15 PM Bikram Yoga
Wednesdays: 7:00 PM Biggest Loser Group Workout
Thursdays: 7:30 Fit Club or Bikram Yoga at 8:15
Fridays: 6:00 AM Ryan
Saturdays: 5:00 PM Bikram Yoga
Sundays: 5:00 PM Bikram Yoga

I will try to put a post every couple days or so but I tend to get busy running around after my little one! Also, whenever I find my damn camera, I will post pictures of my progress! Maybe when I get the balls, I will post my weight too.
For now, here is a picture of me 1 month ago with my best friend Elisabeth. This is the last time I will ever look like that! In 90 days I will be lighter, thinner and more toned!

Arielle

January 1, 2012

Well that was a fun date to write... hard to believe its the New Year already. It has sure been an interesting start to 2012. I ended up babysitting last night for a broad of adorable children that I watched for years before Blake was born,  boy did I miss them. I ended up sleeping there since the parents didn't get home until 4:00 AM and then leaving around 9 this morning. $200.00 later I am one happy camper, thats how much I make in a whole week at my clinic.... so I get to the clinic this morning to pick up my lousy paycheck and surprise there is a paper left by the accountant for me to fill out, a W-4... didn't I already fill this out... oh wait, you mean you haven't been taking out income taxes from my checks for the last 7 months??!?!?! Seriously!? If this lady already isn't the BIGGEST bitch, after I told her two weeks ago we needed a new pulse oximeter she told me that it wasn't a priority... we don't even have a damn thermometer!! How the fuck are we supposed to run a doctors office without a damn thermometer? According to this accountant we can't afford to buy a God damn thermometer. Did I mention I ran out of gas today too?

Alright, so I'm a little scatterbrained today. Its been strange, you would have thought there was a full moon out tonight. My diet hasn't gone too well but I'm optimistic. I bought my first ever bag of lettuce so that I can make my first ever salad and enjoy it for lunch tomorrow. Yes, I have never made a salad, nor have I ever agreed to eating one, in fact I ate my first salad at a drug rep dinner because I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the doctors. I am an extremely picky eater which is a big reason to why I am overweight, I will absolutely not have any salad dressing, only fresh lemon and ground pepper. So although you probably think its boring, I think its the only way its going to happen for me and salad. The new lifestyle I will be following calls for eating a lot of spices and herbs including cinnamon, so this morning I had a baby cup of banana yogurt with two teaspoons of cinnamon and an unsweetened green tea. Then once I got home 5 hours later and was starving I binged, I had 3 turkey meatballs, a quarter of a bag of pop chips, maybe 20 dark chocolate covered edamame and then an entire large frozen mac n cheese.... I know writing it out makes it sound horrible, cause it is. I think I need to write down what I am eating more often because that is disgusting.

The Younger Thinner You diet calls for a lot of natural supplements to boost different levels of hormones in your body. I have a dopamine deficiency so I am now taking vitamin d, vitamin b12, vitamin c, omega 3 (ewww), melatonin and fiber (fun) in hopes to boost my dopamine, making me happier and more willing to eat healthier and be happier. The exercise portion will be coming soon, I made plans to walk greenlake with one of my girlfriends tomorrow. She is so fit and skinny, I'll probably be out of breath after 5 minutes. I also cant fit my jogging stroller in my car... EXCUSES! Ahhh I am so good at making them, I just need to FUCKING DO IT! I need to remind myself of where I want to be and where I am going if I keep up this lifestyle.

Well I am exhausted (must be the melatonin), I am going to go finish loading the dishwasher and straightening the downstairs before grabbing my book and hitting the sheets.

Goodnight,

Arielle