Sometimes you set the goals too high for yourself. I think in my case that's exactly what I've done. Or its that self sabotage thing coming out again. I don't know if it was the whole ex and baby daddy thing that threw me for a loop or if it was the fact that when I weighed in I didn't loose nearly as much as I wanted to. I have 5 pounds to go before I hit the number that I can never get under. I know that if I can get under this number its going to be smooth sailing from there. I missed another training appointment Thursday morning. Its like there could be a fire in my house and I would sleep through it... I set 3 alarms and I still slept through them all! I also purposely didn't go to the weigh in Wednesday night, who wants to be the person who only lost one pound, or didn't loose any at all? I weighed myself for the first time since then today and I did actually loose a few pounds but I was worried I hadn't lost any because I have been really really bad.
Let me explain to you what really really bad means:
Over the course of the last two weeks
I actually ate two freakin hostess donut pack things
ate enough mac n cheese for 3 people
and had a coffee almost every day, and when I say coffee I mean a 16 oz non fat mocha with marshmallow flavoring.... at least it was non-fat right?
I have to meet with my trainer on Monday, so for the rest of the weekend I have decided I am only going to eat my meal replacement shake, a chicken breast for lunch and apples for a snack in between. My inner highschool eating disorder is really wanting to come out right now, nothing sounds better then water pills and laxatives for a situation like this. BUT I promised myself I would stay away from anything like that, no drugs, no laxatives and no diuretics.
Its funny because I got my hair done yesterday and I had brought in two pictures of myself with lighter hair that I used to have, one was way way too light and the other too dark, I told the stylist I wanted something in between. When I got home I set the pictures out on the counter and left them there, one of the ladies I meet with for a program I am involved in had come over to the house and picked up one of the pictures. She was shocked to learn that the one picture was me. I was about 117 lbs, maybe smaller I was so beautiful, I didn't care about anything or anyone, I wasn't afraid of rejection or anything. I was beautiful, I always caught people staring at me, I wore the craziest outfits, I could pull of any hair style and I had an amazing self esteem. I wonder what happened that changed everything, I feel like when people look at me now they just look at me because I am some gross fat chick. My feet grew when I was pregnant so I can't fit into any of the cute shoes I used to wear, I remember I used to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, ha. I could only dream of doing that now, and if I did I would be too uncomfortable. I still wear maternity jeans, but I have all my designer jeans sitting out waiting to be worn again. Its so unbelievable that I used to be that size, when I look in the mirror now I see all these horrible stretch marks and a hole where my belly ring used to be. I have this awful round puffy face, my fingers are huge, I feel like I need a breast lift and just a new body in general. Because after I had Blake I swelled up so bad (60 pounds of water weight AFTER I had Blake and had to be hospitalized for Pre-Eclampsia) I have stretch marks everywhere, on the back of my legs (I couldn't even bend them when I was in the hospital, my feet were so swollen I couldn't even wear my Boppi's size 12 slippers. I find it hard to believe that these stretch marks will ever go away, how will I ever feel comfortable to wear a dress or shorts in the summer?
Meh, a little depressing I know. Hopefully I can be good this weekend and accomplish my goals for the next weigh in.
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