...Forever and ever my baby you'll be.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever my baby you'll be."

My mom used to read me that book when I was little. Now I can't even get through the first page without sobbing. Blake had another follow up this morning. His pediatrician is out of town for a month long vacation and so we had to see a different doctor. I needed to get Blake in for his follow up for his delay and to have some paper work for his daycare filled out. Normally I would have waited until his pediatrician was back in town but since I needed to get this paper work in before hand, there was no sense in waiting.

The good news: Blake has gained three pounds in the last 3 months and has grown 4 inches! Finally he is growing! Up until now, Blake has weighed the same as he did when he was 10 months old, barley growing. In fact, I just cycled out some 9 and 12 month clothes from his closet. He is now at the 30th percentile for kids his age!! My sweet little shrimp!

The other news: This doctor also ran some tests for Blake's delay. Since it has been 3 months since he was first diagnosed they decided to run it again. The doctor said that I should expect Blake to act like a baby longer. That I need to lower my expectations and realize we might be in this stage for sometime. Its so hard for me, I feel like nothing has changed since Blake's first birthday other than his hair and clothing size. I almost feel like he has regressed. The doctor said that he doesn't think they will be focusing on any outside issues any longer such as; hearing and sight. He said that now my job is to focus on his strengths and helping him build his strengths.

I don't think I was mentally or emotionally prepared for this visit. It wasn't what i was expecting at all. In fact I think I was expecting him to say that Blake was perfectly normal, that the tests sometimes don't reflect the right things. But no, this doctor was the fifth professional to tell me that my son is delayed. That he is not like normal children, and needs extra help. Blake needs to continue with weekly therapy and come in to the doctor again in two weeks. He needs additional testing. For some reason I was thinking that Blake would just catch up and be a normal kid. This doctor told me flat out that Blake might not "catch up". I never thought that was an option. Or maybe I just chose to ignore it. On our way home I bawled my eyes out. Blake was so concerned and was sad that I was sad. I don't know how to feel or act. I know I need to be strong for him. He needs to know I love him just the way he is, he is my most precious prized possession. Yet, I wish he was different. How do I come to terms with that. I love him no matter what, but I wish that he was like other kids. That just doesn't sound right. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know who to talk to, Blake's bio dad doesn't care, and I am sure if I told him about this appointment all he would say is "Well you already knew that. What's the big deal?" He doesn't have to deal with the tantrums, the screaming, the kicking and biting, the hitting, the out of control diaper changes, the hours of crying, the frustration of trying to do every day normal tasks. He will never understand. The nighttime waking, never being called mama/dada, the obsessions, the spinning and opening and closing for hours. Every day is a struggle. Don't get me wrong we have plenty of happy, funny, silly moments; but they are few and far between. Most of our time is spent struggling in some way to get through our daily routines. Why should I call Blake's father to share in my moment of pain, and look for support when he doesn't even care. Why should I call my girlfriends when all they will say is, it will get better. But they don't know. Nothing anyone says will make this situation better or hurt less. I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away. I wish I could hear my son call me Mama, I wish he would rest his head on me, or hug me. I wish that it didn't matter to me. That I could brush off all these feelings and embrace it and deal with it and not shut down. I wish I could be strong and not let this break me down. I am just falling apart. I don't know what to do to make this better.

I know that other parent's have it worse. I am lucky that my son doesn't have a life threatening illness or disease. I know that I need to make a gratitude list and that I need to embrace my son and my life as it is. Dwelling on the negative and feeling pity for myself and my son will do nothing. Sometimes its hard to hold your head up. I will do my best to stay positive and go about my life as I normally would. I suppose I should change out of my sweats and shower and look put together. Maybe if I look it on the outside, I'll feel it on the inside? One can hope.