I never in a million years thought I would be a morning person. I actually enjoy getting up at 4:00AM to eat breakfast go to the gym and relax before my baby gets up. Its very strange! I also never in a million years thought that I would be fat. If you told me 4 years ago that I would be sitting here writing a blog at 6:00 AM while my BABY is sleeping and that my babies father is JB and that he has nothing to do with him AND that I am fat... I would have laughed hysterically and said something like "When pigs fly" or "That'll be the day hell freezes over"
Its been a long journey to accepting that this is my reality now. I went out on a Saturday night for the first time in almost 4 months the other day. Its not that I haven't wanted to go out, or that I couldn't have found someone to watch Blake earlier. Its that I'm embarrassed, who wants to be the fat girl at the bar? Its not like I am looking for a hook up or my next love. Its just a weird feeling like even in a group of people, I feel like I'm labeled. "Oh well there's the fat friend", every group has one. Maybe I'm just super self-conscious or maybe I'm right, I'm not really sure. It feels good to get up and go to the gym and know that I am changing how I feel about myself and how I look. I'm afraid that I am going to go back to the way I used to be and even though I will be healthy and skinny, it won't be enough. The last time I dropped a few pounds I lost 20 pounds and weighed around 125lbs it was the summer after my Sr year, I felt good, I looked damn good but I was still getting teased about my weight from my room mates and my family. My grandparents are the WORST! We used to have dinners every Sunday, there is no worse feeling then being judged for everything that you put on your plate. Or being asked why you aren't working out that day even though I worked out for two hours the day before. "You know, you could really stand to loose a few pounds" "How come you didn't go to the gym today?" "Have you thought about taking a walk?" These are the norms- I don't even want to get into the bad stuff.
I know I have a lot of struggles to come, but I'm ready. I know that my 90 day challenge is a great 1st step and that my 60lbs in 90 days probably isn't realistic but its the goal my trainer set for me. I would be happy if I lost 30lbs in 90 days, although I really hope I loose more.
Alright, time to go shower and clean the house before the baby gets up!
<3 Arielle
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