When I met him, I was 15 or 16, he was like no one I had ever met before. He was so sure of himself, he was bad like me but he wanted to do something better with his life. We met in an outpatient treatment center for kids addicted to drugs and alcohol. He had something like 9 months sober, he actually went to AA meetings he was cute and smart and I hung off of every word he said. I relapsed and was put in a different outpatient group but he would write me notes on the whiteboard... "stay up" or "easy does it" I couldn't stay sober to save my life. Somehow he and I remained friends, we went to each others houses, we went to meetings together, downtown to go shopping, we even went to the same community college (since I was still in high school I did a program where I could do cc for high school and college credits) I remember we would talk on the phone until late, one time we coordinated to wear glasses to school on the same day... We were head over heels for each other but neither one of us had the balls to say anything to the other one. We went to prom together my Jr year of high school, sober AA dances, jet skiing on lake Washington, tanning and jumping off the dock of Madison beach. We kissed one time summer between jr and sr year, up in his room waiting to be picked up to go bowling and then we heard a horn honk and figured it was our friend... then we had an awkward cigarette smoking session... that was literally the ONLY time there had been anything physical between us... I mean we would "accidentally" touch each others hands but never anything else. One day we decided we wanted to be together, he told me we had to wait until I had one year sober... in between that time he was my best friend, he drove me places, listened to my cry, he was my rock. One time he dropped me off in the U district, drove to Auburn to hang out with a friend, but I got sick and had no way to get home, so he picked me up and took me home and went back to Auburn. That's at least a good two hours of driving. That one year came and went and it never happened between us. He got his own place and we had sleepovers, never in the same bed, went to church the next morning together, we went to strip clubs together, even got a lap dance together (MOST AWKWARD MOMENT OF MY LIFE!) he taught me how to play black jack and gave me money to gamble. Our friends, especially his would always joke and say "When are you guys gonna just get married!?" but we were just friends...
If there ever was a time I was really in love, it was with him. It became apparent to me we would never be together so I dated other people, he would always come around as soon as I had a new boyfriend but he was always the best friend. He was the one that was there when I needed someone to talk to because my boyfriend treated me like shit. I always picked the worst guys! One day he called and told me he was going to join the army, it was one of the hardest things I think I ever had to listen to. He was so full of life and bright and he could do anything he wanted to, why would he do this? The night before he left for boot camp we all went out to one of our favorite hookah spots and I remember us sitting close, maybe I was even on his lap, I took the ring he always wore off of his finger and put it on mine, I felt like my heart was going to come right out of my chest. He just smiled and I went home to my live in boyfriend and that was that, he was gone. I remember the first letter I got from him... I screamed I was so excited. When I think about him now, my stomach gets butterflies. Who still makes you get butterflies after 6 years?! But, I got pregnant, and of course he was the first person I told, he was getting ready to leave for Iraq, I was telling him I was pregnant with some other guys baby. It was the strangest feeling. When your a kid, you imagine your life going a certain way and then everything changes in a single instant. He left for Iraq a few weeks later, he called me at the airport to say goodbye and I had to hang up the phone because I couldn't even say anything without crying.
When he came home, I had given birth to my son, he had two weeks home before he went back, he had started drinking again, and he saw me two times. Things were obviously different. He was distant, he told me he couldn't be my sons Godfather, because he was going to re-enlist. I can't even explain how I felt, but disappointed doesn't even begin to explain it. The night before he left he came over to say goodbye, but he brought a friend and ignored me the whole time. We hugged goodbye and I went to my room and cried for three hours. He went back to Iraq and I didn't hear from him, I tried to send him messages but he never responded. He got home to Texas where he was stationed, and we had sent each other text messages here and there but he never really responded anymore.
The end,
I called him, I was driving home from work and a song came on the radio that we would always sing to each other, I told him I missed his crazy ass and I wanted to know why he had been such a stranger. He was drunk. He told me he knew how it felt to love someone that didn't give a fuck about you, he possibly mumbled something about how he didn't care about me anymore. I lost it, I don't even remember much of my drive home because not only was I crying harder then ever, I think I was in a daze. I got into my house and poured myself a glass of vodka, I sent him a message along the lines of I will never forgive you for what you said to me, I will never talk to you again... he messaged me back something about how he had hoped there was something more between us, he didn't want to be another guy that failed me so he was going to just walk away, he loves me and he loves my son, but he can't be worried about us when he is doing what he is doing. The next week felt like someone had died, I know I sent him a bazillion messages about how I would have married him in a heartbeat and I've waited for him for the last who knows how long and how I just didn't understand. He never messaged me back. I deleted him from my life, his phone number, his face book, his pictures everything I had, I got rid of. I knew that he came home a few times, I actually expected him to come to my house, to apologize, I had some crazy idea that he was going to come to my house and tell me he loves me and that we should be together. It never happened. We still have a few of the same friends, most of all who live in different states now and just come home to visit, someone told me he was doing really well and that he had told them what happened. While explaining the situation I came to the realization I may have over reacted. I mean, don't get me wrong my heart has been crushed, but I did completely flip out on him. I do understand that what he sees when he is over there must be so hard, and I respect him for what he does and he is so much braver then I could ever be. I was so hurt, I am so hurt. I swallowed my pride and sent him a message, I told him that I was sorry for blowing up and I understood where he was coming from. That I truly wish him the best in all he does and hope he is well. The next night he messaged me back and said he was well and hoped I was too. I tried to message him the other day, I asked him if we would ever be friends again. Its been three days. He doesn't need to message me, I know the answer.
If you are reading this, you probably think I am crazy, we weren't even ever together! I don't know what it is, maybe its because he helped turn me into the person everyone always knew I could be. He helped me to see, that I was worth it, that I was special and funny and capable of being loved. I have to let this be the end of that long chapter of my life. If I don't get over this, it will keep holding me back. So this is my goodbye to him.
To new beginnings, new love, and knowing I deserve the very best.
<3 Arielle Michelle
OMG this brought tears to my eyes! I hope everything works out the way you want it to girl!
ReplyDelete