78 days to go! "Slow but steady wins the race!"

I never in a million years thought I would be a morning person. I actually enjoy getting up at 4:00AM to eat breakfast go to the gym and relax before my baby gets up. Its very strange! I also never in a million years thought that I would be fat. If you told me 4 years ago that I would be sitting here writing a blog at 6:00 AM while my BABY is sleeping and that my babies father is JB and that he has nothing to do with him AND that I am fat... I would have laughed hysterically and said something like "When pigs fly" or "That'll be the day hell freezes over"

Its been a long journey to accepting that this is my reality now. I went out on a Saturday night for the first time in almost 4 months the other day. Its not that I haven't wanted to go out, or that I couldn't have found someone to watch Blake earlier. Its that I'm embarrassed, who wants to be the fat girl at the bar? Its not like I am looking for a hook up or my next love. Its just a weird feeling like even in a group of people, I feel like I'm labeled. "Oh well there's the fat friend", every group has one. Maybe I'm just super self-conscious or maybe I'm right, I'm not really sure. It feels good to get up and go to the gym and know that I am changing how I feel  about myself and how I look. I'm afraid that I am going to go back to the way I used to be and even though I will be healthy and skinny, it won't be enough. The last time I dropped a few pounds I lost 20 pounds and weighed around 125lbs it was the summer after my Sr year, I felt good, I looked damn good but I was still getting teased about my weight from my room mates and my family. My grandparents are the WORST! We used to have dinners every Sunday, there is no worse feeling then being judged for everything that you put on your plate. Or being asked why you aren't working out that day even though I worked out for two hours the day before. "You know, you could really stand to loose a few pounds" "How come you didn't go to the gym today?" "Have you thought about taking a walk?" These are the norms- I don't even want to get into the bad stuff.

I know I have a lot of struggles to come, but I'm ready. I know that my 90 day challenge is a great 1st step and that my 60lbs in 90 days probably isn't realistic but its the goal my trainer set for me. I would be happy if I lost 30lbs in 90 days, although I really hope I loose more.

Alright, time to go shower and clean the house before the baby gets up!

<3 Arielle

82 days to go.. "You got this... Billabong Bikini!!!"

Alright, up early again to meet with my trainer who kicked my ass! We did an obstacle course type circuit this morning and boy was it a good workout! Started with  a weighted ball, I threw it down as hard as I could and picked it back up crunching my abs with each lift for 10 times, then I run to the ropes and pick them up and lift each side for 10 seconds, then over to the burpies (I can't even explain... but KILLER) then onto the mountain climbers for 10 reps and back to the ball. Oh man, 25 minutes of that plus 15 on the bike and 5 of straight abs... I'm dying!!

So, other then what I normally talk about weight loss, exercise, meeting my NYR. I came across some poetry that I wrote when I was about 16. I'd like to share it but I don't really relate with that girl anymore. Things have changed so much for me, I used to be really into drugs and alcohol and really depressed. I was a bad kid and my life wasn't pretty. So I want to warn you that most of these are pretty ugly....

A Poem With No Name:
June 14, 2006

He came in
and poisoned her
forced the vial down her throat
eating her insides out
he tied down her arms and
sliced her blue veins red
he hurt her in so many ways
she though crazy slut was her name
sex isn't supposed to leave you with blood stained sheets and a half hour
of tears
he raped her of every piece of
dignity she had
putting it on display
and morphing her mind
to think wrong
was right
because she was so fucked
she didn't know anymore
she was lost inside of her mask
fell so far down the hole
no hand could help her out
he penetrated every bruise with 1000 needles
poking at her until she had no blood left to spill
and she died
laying on her own blood stained bed
and when the found her
she claimed she was still alive
because she thought she was.
**********************************************************************************

January 30, 2007
"Where I'm from"

I'm from green leaves
and words that sting worse than a rusty nail
as they pierced my heart and twisted their way
to the surface
I'm from fucked up relationships
Shakespeare couldn't even comprehend
I'm from empty 40's that filled me with drunken regrets
and never ending blunts waiting to
numb my present feelings
but the Novocaine wasn't strong enough
and the roach is burning from
my lungs to my finger tips
and I cant understand why the thought
of death
lingers in the air
along with the stale cigarette stench
and they say I haven't changed
my mind is going a mile a minute
but your still the same girl
you just cant seem to accept the fact that
you haven't really changed
and I just want to fall into that black hole and not wake up
and I paint my face to forget what my heart
looks like but the pain
seeps through my eyes
and they look dull
and they say I'm pessimistic
but the pessimist is everyone else
I'm going somewhere
away from where I am from and where I have been
for so long
**********************************************************************************

My past wasn't always pretty and I did things that I am not proud of but its a part of my story so I accept it and move on.
**********************************************************************************
Sometime in 2006
"Bonnie and Clyde"

My finger tips icy
as cold as my frozen heart
I sucked the alcohol from his lips
leaving him passed out and dry
I smoked away death
and gazed at the street lights
letting the rain him my eyelashes
smearing black streams down my red cheeks
I twisted the handle of trust
walking right into the warm room
He was lifeless as dead rotted fruit
We took every piece of dignity he ever had
burning him to ashes
He looks at me and smiles
We took his parents vows
his hard days work
and finished him off with the liquor cabnit
we walk out of the door
my heels sinking in the gravel road
he looks into my eyes and kisses my cheek
whispers I love you and grabs my hand.

**********************************************************************************
Alright, I think that's enough for one day! Shit, maybe even a whole year. When I found these yesterday it shook me to my core. I think that sometimes you just need a reminder of where your from, to see how far you have really come. It was a blessing in disguise.

<3 Arielle

85 days to go, "A Minute on the Lips, a Lifetime on the Hips"

Wow! I can't believe its already been 5 days. I feel amazing... maybe its because I had a killer work out at 5:00 AM this morning or maybe its because I sneaked and weighed myself yesterday and I was already down 4 pounds in 4 days. 7 pounds total from my mini-diet before I started the 90 day challenge. 

I already feel very accomplished, part of doing this is showing myself I can actually follow through and finish something. I can't wait to see what life brings me as a lighter, more fit, happy person. I plan on Skydiving this summer, maybe floating the river in shorts and a tank top and feel good about it? I won't be afraid to lie out on the beach or play at the park with my baby. (Who just woke up) 

I better go and get Blake before he wakes up my mom! 

Arielle 

89 days left "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Last night I braved 2 feet of snow and got my ass to the Biggest Loser opening at my gym. I weighed in at a whopping ***.5 pounds. Hehe. Sorry, too embarrassed! I will tell you that my CRAZY 90 day weight loss goal is 60 pounds in 90 days with an overall goal of loosing 85. This would mean I loose 5 pounds every week. I am going to try my hardest!

Lesson of the day:

DO NOT GO TO THE GYM WITH OUT EATING FIRST.

***********************************************

Whoops, I set my alarm for 5:15 AM, and I must have pressed off instead of snooze. I woke up at 5:40 threw my clothes on grabbed my keys and got in the car, where I drove up hill to the gym! Scary scary drive! I get to the gym and start with 5 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike at level 10. Then I meet with my trainer Ryan who has a little circuit course set out for me. (There were only 2 other people in the gym so it was pretty cool!) He had 3 weighted balls, 5, 10 and 15 pounds, I started by picking up the 5 and running to the other side of the room dropping the ball, running back until all 3 balls were on one side and then I repeated the steps bringing them back to the beginning spot. I am already out of breath, and sweating, we move onto the tire where I am to touch each foot one at a time on the tire for 30 seconds as fast as I can, once again... I AM DYING! Next we lay down and do some abs, I hold my feet in the air pointed at a 40 degree angle for 30 seconds and then do 20 sit ups. Now repeat the whole circuit. I AM REALLY DYING NOW! So much so, I get light headed, and feel like I am going to throw up, I had to spend at least 3 minutes over the garbage can trying my hardest not to throw up! Then onto the weight room where I am sitting holding dumbbells and pretty much "punching" as hard and fast as I can for 1 minute, then back to the balls where I am picking them up squatting down and throwing at the ground as hard as I can 12 times. ALRIGHT, IM DEAD NOW! Ryan ended up having to go get me a poweraide and then called it quits for the day, he told me I needed to eat before I came next time and I wouldn't feel like that again. I felt like shit, for a long time. I still felt sick but decided to drive home, ate a banana and took my morning supplements. He reminded me several times that I was kicking ass and that I shouldn't feel bad. I am a perfectionist, and now feel like I cheated myself of a work out today. I think I am going to have to go back tonight. I really need to make sure I am burning 1000 calories a day AT LEAST, in order to loose the 5 pounds a week.  

Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels:

I made myself a stack of paper, I cut pieces of colored construction paper in half and wrote numbers down from 90 on them. On each day I wrote a reminder to myself, sometimes I used them more then once. Today's, day 89 says: :You got this! $5,000! Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!" Throughout the day, if I am tempted to eat any of the bad food my mom refuses not to buy I just have to look at my page and remember I GOT THIS! NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels! 

Alright, I'm off to pop a Jillian Michael's DVD in and workout a little before my monster wakes up!

90 day challenge...

Alright, so I decided to stick to my NYR so far. I started slow with the diet and am now in uber diet mode. This is something I am very used to, I have probably done every fad diet you could ever think of. My Sr. year of high school I at nothing but a weight loss shake for breakfast, a chicken breast for lunch and a weight loss shake for dinner. I was crazy, BUT I am good at doing things like that. For some reason loosing weight the right way is a slippery slope for me. Its like I think 1 granola treat is so good that I have to eat the whole freakin box.  I know that its not true but shit, its hard! So since the last time I wrote this is what happened: I joined a gym, went everyday for 1 week and then got snowed in. I bought 2 training sessions a week for 1 month and then 1 a week for 7 months. I also... joined the 90 day biggest looser challenge for a chance to win... $5000, and most importantly lose weight and feel good.

I have over a foot of snow outside of my house, and the gym I go to is uphill about a mile and a half from my house. I have to make it, there is no way I am not going to! First of all, I LOVE competition. 2nd of all $5,000 would go a long way for me. As a single mom who doesn't get child support, has a credit score of 498 and student loans to pay back... $5,000 looks really freakin good. Did I mention I haven't gone to work all week, this blows! Pretty sure I am going to loose  my job, so I am going to jump the gun and put in my two weeks whenever I get back. (There's more to that story- but I thought I would update you.)

Here is how I am going to WIN the 90 day Biggest Loser Challenge;
Water only and Tea only, unsweetened of course!

Breakfast options:
Steelcut Oatmeal 1 cup 3 tsp Cinnamon 150 calories
FAGE 2% Strained yogurt with 3 tsp Cinnamon 120 calories
All Fruit smoothie: raspberries, strawberries and blueberries
Fruit and veggie smoothie: spiniach, apple, pineapple, kale and cilantro! (Sounds bad, but it is really good!)

Snack:
raw unsalted almonds or cashews
edamame unsalted
Melon
Satsuma
Hard boiled egg
Peanut butter on a whole wheat cracker

Lunch:
Romaine lettuce with fresh squeezed lemon, 5 croutons, salmon or chicken breast meat.
Salmon filet, with edamame
Chicken breast, with edamame
Any of the breakfast options
Turkey meat, with brown rice

Snack:
Any of the above snack items

Dinner:
Any of the above lunch or breakfast items.

OK, so now that I am hungry for everything not on this list... I will tell you why it is so limited.
I do not want to eat anything with over 300mg of sodium in it. I also do not want to have anything with added sugar or isn't a real sugar like fruit. I am trying to eat things that are "alive" things that will go bad quickly if not eaten and do not have a lot of preservatives.

Now to my work out plan:

I will work out with my trainer on Monday and Friday mornings, on Wednesday nights I will do the group training and on Thursday nights I am doing a free "fit club" I found on an online site called "Meetup". I will be doing 1 month of Bikram Yoga, I plan on doing at least a class 2 times a week... if not more.  Tuesday nights at 8:15 and then Saturdays and Sundays at 5:00. http://www.meetup.com/Everett-Fitness/events/48666162/confirm/ also, this website has meetup's for A LOT of other things.

Here is any easier way to look at it: (Ryan is my trainer)

Mondays:  6:00 AM Ryan
Tuesdays: 8:15 PM Bikram Yoga
Wednesdays: 7:00 PM Biggest Loser Group Workout
Thursdays: 7:30 Fit Club or Bikram Yoga at 8:15
Fridays: 6:00 AM Ryan
Saturdays: 5:00 PM Bikram Yoga
Sundays: 5:00 PM Bikram Yoga

I will try to put a post every couple days or so but I tend to get busy running around after my little one! Also, whenever I find my damn camera, I will post pictures of my progress! Maybe when I get the balls, I will post my weight too.
For now, here is a picture of me 1 month ago with my best friend Elisabeth. This is the last time I will ever look like that! In 90 days I will be lighter, thinner and more toned!

Arielle

January 1, 2012

Well that was a fun date to write... hard to believe its the New Year already. It has sure been an interesting start to 2012. I ended up babysitting last night for a broad of adorable children that I watched for years before Blake was born,  boy did I miss them. I ended up sleeping there since the parents didn't get home until 4:00 AM and then leaving around 9 this morning. $200.00 later I am one happy camper, thats how much I make in a whole week at my clinic.... so I get to the clinic this morning to pick up my lousy paycheck and surprise there is a paper left by the accountant for me to fill out, a W-4... didn't I already fill this out... oh wait, you mean you haven't been taking out income taxes from my checks for the last 7 months??!?!?! Seriously!? If this lady already isn't the BIGGEST bitch, after I told her two weeks ago we needed a new pulse oximeter she told me that it wasn't a priority... we don't even have a damn thermometer!! How the fuck are we supposed to run a doctors office without a damn thermometer? According to this accountant we can't afford to buy a God damn thermometer. Did I mention I ran out of gas today too?

Alright, so I'm a little scatterbrained today. Its been strange, you would have thought there was a full moon out tonight. My diet hasn't gone too well but I'm optimistic. I bought my first ever bag of lettuce so that I can make my first ever salad and enjoy it for lunch tomorrow. Yes, I have never made a salad, nor have I ever agreed to eating one, in fact I ate my first salad at a drug rep dinner because I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the doctors. I am an extremely picky eater which is a big reason to why I am overweight, I will absolutely not have any salad dressing, only fresh lemon and ground pepper. So although you probably think its boring, I think its the only way its going to happen for me and salad. The new lifestyle I will be following calls for eating a lot of spices and herbs including cinnamon, so this morning I had a baby cup of banana yogurt with two teaspoons of cinnamon and an unsweetened green tea. Then once I got home 5 hours later and was starving I binged, I had 3 turkey meatballs, a quarter of a bag of pop chips, maybe 20 dark chocolate covered edamame and then an entire large frozen mac n cheese.... I know writing it out makes it sound horrible, cause it is. I think I need to write down what I am eating more often because that is disgusting.

The Younger Thinner You diet calls for a lot of natural supplements to boost different levels of hormones in your body. I have a dopamine deficiency so I am now taking vitamin d, vitamin b12, vitamin c, omega 3 (ewww), melatonin and fiber (fun) in hopes to boost my dopamine, making me happier and more willing to eat healthier and be happier. The exercise portion will be coming soon, I made plans to walk greenlake with one of my girlfriends tomorrow. She is so fit and skinny, I'll probably be out of breath after 5 minutes. I also cant fit my jogging stroller in my car... EXCUSES! Ahhh I am so good at making them, I just need to FUCKING DO IT! I need to remind myself of where I want to be and where I am going if I keep up this lifestyle.

Well I am exhausted (must be the melatonin), I am going to go finish loading the dishwasher and straightening the downstairs before grabbing my book and hitting the sheets.

Goodnight,

Arielle