The "other" love of my life...

I always refer to Blake as "The Love of My Life" but, I do have another, if there is such thing. He has been on my mind a lot lately...

When I met him, I was 15 or 16, he was like no one I had ever met before. He was so sure of himself, he was bad like me but he wanted to do something better with his life. We met in an outpatient treatment center for kids addicted to drugs and alcohol. He had something like 9 months sober, he actually went to AA meetings he was cute and smart and I hung off of every word he said. I relapsed and was put in a different outpatient group but he would write me notes on the whiteboard... "stay up" or "easy does it" I couldn't stay sober to save my life. Somehow he and I remained friends, we went to each others houses, we went to meetings together, downtown to go shopping, we even went to the same community college (since I was still in high school I did a program where I could do cc for high school and college credits) I remember we would talk on the phone until late, one time we coordinated to wear glasses to school on the same day... We were head over heels for each other but neither one of us had the balls to say anything to the other one.  We went to prom together my Jr year of high school, sober AA dances, jet skiing on lake Washington, tanning and jumping off the dock of Madison beach. We kissed one time summer between jr and sr year, up in his room waiting to be picked up to go bowling and then we heard a horn honk and figured it was our friend... then we had an awkward cigarette smoking session... that was literally the ONLY time there had been anything physical between us... I mean we would "accidentally" touch each others hands but never anything else.  One day we decided we wanted to be together, he told me we had to wait until I had one year sober... in between that time he was my best friend, he drove me places, listened to my cry, he was my rock. One time he dropped me off in the U district, drove to Auburn to hang out with a friend, but I got sick and had no way to get home, so he picked me up and took me home and went back to Auburn. That's at least a good two hours of driving. That one year came and went and it never happened between us. He got his own place and we had sleepovers, never in the same bed, went to church the next morning together, we went to strip clubs together, even got a lap dance together (MOST AWKWARD MOMENT OF MY LIFE!) he taught me how to play black jack and gave me money to gamble. Our friends, especially his would always joke and say "When are you guys gonna just get married!?" but we were just friends...

If there ever was a time I was really in love, it was with him. It became apparent to me we would never be together so I dated other people, he would always come around as soon as I had a new boyfriend but he was always the best friend. He was the one that was there when I needed someone to talk to because my boyfriend treated me like shit. I always picked the worst guys! One day he called and told me he was going to join the army, it was one of the hardest things I think I ever had to listen to. He was so full of life and bright and he could do anything he wanted to, why would he do this? The night before he left for boot camp we all went out to one of our favorite hookah spots and I remember us sitting close, maybe I was even on his lap, I took the ring he always wore off of his finger and put it on mine, I felt like my heart was going to come right out of my chest. He just smiled and I went home to my live in boyfriend and that was that, he was gone. I remember the first letter I got from him... I screamed I was so excited. When I think about him now, my stomach gets butterflies. Who still makes you get butterflies after 6 years?! But, I got pregnant, and of course he was the first person I told, he was getting ready to leave for Iraq, I was telling him I was pregnant with some other guys baby. It was the strangest feeling. When your a kid, you imagine your life going a certain way and then everything changes in a single instant. He left for Iraq a few weeks later, he called me at the airport to say goodbye and I had to hang up the phone because I couldn't even say anything without crying.
When he came home, I had given birth to my son, he had two weeks home before he went back, he had started drinking again, and he saw me two times. Things were obviously different. He was distant, he told me he couldn't be my sons Godfather, because he was going to re-enlist. I can't even explain how I felt, but disappointed doesn't even begin to explain it. The night before he left he came over to say goodbye, but he brought a friend and ignored me the whole time. We hugged goodbye and I went to my room and cried for three hours. He went back to Iraq and I didn't hear from him, I tried to send him messages but he never responded. He got home to Texas where he was stationed, and we had sent each other text messages here and there but he never really responded anymore.

The end,

I called him, I was driving home from work and a song came on the radio that we would always sing to each other, I told him I missed his crazy ass and I wanted to know why he had been such a stranger. He was drunk. He told me he knew how it felt to love someone that didn't give a fuck about you, he possibly mumbled something about how he didn't care about me anymore. I lost it, I don't even remember much of my drive home because not only was I crying harder then ever, I think I was in a daze. I got into my house and poured myself a glass of vodka, I sent him a message along the lines of I will never forgive you for what you said to me, I will never talk to you again... he messaged me back something about how he had hoped there was something more between us, he didn't want to be another guy that failed me so he was going to just walk away, he loves me and he loves my son, but he can't be worried about us when he is doing what he is doing. The next week felt like someone had died, I know I sent him a bazillion messages about how I would have married him in a heartbeat and I've waited for him for the last who knows how long and how I just didn't understand. He never messaged me back. I deleted him from my life, his phone number, his face book, his pictures everything I had, I got rid of. I knew that he came home a few times, I actually expected him to come to my house, to apologize, I had some crazy idea that he was going to come to my house and tell me he loves me and that we should be together. It never happened. We still have a few of the same friends, most of all who live in different states now and just come home to visit, someone told me he was doing really well and that he had told them what happened. While explaining the situation I came to the realization I may have over reacted. I mean, don't get me wrong my heart has been crushed, but I did completely flip out on him. I do understand that what he sees when he is over there must be so hard, and I respect him for what he does and he is so much braver then I could ever be. I was so hurt, I am so hurt. I swallowed my pride and sent him a message, I told him that I was sorry for blowing up and I understood where he was coming from. That I truly wish him the best in all he does and hope he is well. The next night he messaged me back and said he was well and hoped I was too. I tried to message him the other day, I asked him if we would ever be friends again. Its been three days. He doesn't need to message me, I know the answer.

If you are reading this, you probably think I am crazy, we weren't even ever together! I don't know what it is, maybe its because he helped turn me into the person everyone always knew I could be. He helped me to see, that I was worth it, that I was special and funny and capable of being loved. I have to let this be the end of that long chapter of my life. If I don't get over this, it will keep holding me back. So this is my goodbye to him.

To new beginnings, new love, and knowing I deserve the very best.

<3 Arielle Michelle

Feeling like a failure

Sometimes you set the goals too high for yourself. I think in my case that's exactly what I've done. Or its that self sabotage thing coming out again. I don't know if it was the whole ex and baby daddy thing that threw me for a loop or if it was the fact that when I weighed in I didn't loose nearly as much as I wanted to. I have 5 pounds to go before I hit the number that I can never get under. I know that if I can get under this number its going to be smooth sailing from there. I missed another training appointment Thursday morning. Its like there could be a fire in my house and I would sleep through it... I set 3 alarms and I still slept through them all! I also purposely didn't go to the weigh in Wednesday night, who wants to be the person who only lost one pound, or didn't loose any at all? I weighed myself for the first time since then today and I did actually loose a few pounds but I was worried I hadn't lost any because I have been really really bad.

Let me explain to you what really really bad means:
Over the course of the last two weeks
I actually ate two freakin hostess donut pack things
ate enough mac n cheese for 3 people
and had a coffee almost every day, and when I say coffee I mean a 16 oz non fat mocha with marshmallow flavoring.... at least it was non-fat right?
I have to meet with my trainer on Monday, so for the rest of the weekend I have decided I am only going to eat my meal replacement shake, a chicken breast for lunch and apples for a snack in between. My inner highschool eating disorder is really wanting to come out right now, nothing sounds better then water pills and laxatives for a situation like this. BUT I promised myself I would stay away from anything like that, no drugs, no laxatives and no diuretics.

Its funny because I got my hair done yesterday and I had brought in two pictures of myself with lighter hair that I used to have, one was way way too light and the other too dark, I told the stylist I wanted something in between. When I got home I set the pictures out on the counter and left them there, one of the ladies I meet with for a program I am involved in had come over to the house and picked up one of the pictures. She was shocked to learn that the one picture was me. I was about 117 lbs, maybe smaller I was so beautiful, I didn't care about anything or anyone, I wasn't afraid of rejection or anything. I was beautiful, I always caught people staring at me, I wore the craziest outfits, I could pull of any hair style and I had an amazing self esteem. I wonder what happened that changed everything, I feel like when people look at me now they just look at me because I am some gross fat chick. My feet grew when I was pregnant so I can't fit into any of the cute shoes I used to wear, I remember I used to spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of shoes, ha. I could only dream of doing that now, and if I did I would be too uncomfortable. I still wear maternity jeans, but I have all my designer jeans sitting out waiting to be worn again. Its so unbelievable that I used to be that size, when I look in the mirror now I see all these horrible stretch marks and a hole where my belly ring used to be. I have this awful round puffy face, my fingers are huge, I feel like I need a breast lift and just a new body in general. Because after I had Blake I swelled up so bad (60 pounds of water weight AFTER I had Blake and had to be hospitalized for Pre-Eclampsia) I have stretch marks everywhere, on the back of my legs (I couldn't even bend them when I was in the hospital, my feet were so swollen I couldn't even wear my Boppi's size 12 slippers. I find it hard to believe that these stretch marks will ever go away, how will I ever feel comfortable to wear a dress or shorts in the summer?

Meh, a little depressing I know. Hopefully I can be good this weekend and accomplish my goals for the next weigh in.

What is it 74 days left? 73?

This weekend was rough, definitely didn't loose anything this weekend! Hopefully my hard work in the gym this morning is going to pay off. I feel dead! I did 30 minutes with my trainer and then 65 minutes at hot yoga, where I pretty much just laid there dying.

Saturday, Blake's biological father decided to come over and see Blake for the first time in months. We went to the park and they played for a bit. Who knows when the next time that will happen but I suppose its better then nothing. He is still young, and selfish. He only thinks about how things benefit him and that obviously makes it hard to be a parent. Although he has child support and daycare to pay (he doesn't pay it) he would rather only work a few hours a week and then still have time to volunteer to coach several football teams and go out with his friends every night. He doesn't understand that as a parent you have to think about your child above everything else. I couldn't imagine being in his position and making those same decisions. Its a tough situation, and I have a 16 years and 10 more months to deal with him...

Something else interesting happened this weekend... I heard from my ex, who I happen to have stayed very good close friends with. A few months ago I got mad at him and told him to get lost, well apparently he missed the baby and wants to be a part of our lives again... well I guess we will see how this goes too. Its funny how someone who isn't the biological father of my child loves and cares for him way more then his biological father does. I send Blake's biological father a picture of him and he doesn't say anything, no smiley face, no thanks, no I miss him. But, my ex will go as far as to ask me a for a picture of my baby and say "I miss him, send me a picture" and when I do I always get a reply of " :) he is a happy boy" or " :) cant wait to see him" its funny to me how my ex will come over with diapers or gifts for Blake, when he doesn't need to and we aren't together and he's not Blake's dad. When Blake's biological father couldn't care less what he needed, when his dad came over this weekend, I had to ask him to get down and play with him and to pay attention to him. My ex would be running around with him and just pick up Blake like it was no big thing, it just comes naturally. There's no denying it, I definitely wish that Blake's biological father was my ex, but he's not and I can't put any expectations on him because that would be wrong. Its just hard for me to accept that Blake's father is such a piece of shit. But I know and am confident that someday I will find some great guy that loves me and my son and will be a great father figure for him. Until then... THE SEARCH IS ON!

Weigh in....

Today is my first weigh in... I've been doing this for 14 days now!? I'm excited! I didn't loose as much as I wanted to in these two weeks and I'm confused. I don't understand why, I ate almost perfect (when we went to visit Blake's paternal Grandma she made bbq chicken wings and rice with a stick of butter, I didn't want to be rude so I ate it). Its strange how weight fluctuates too, this morning I was 3 pounds lighter than I am now, and all I have had is half a banana and a raspberry strawberry smoothie.  I am going to try and be relaxed about the weigh in tonight, I realize that I am not going to win this one but I still lost weight and am definitely loosing inches.

I put in my two weeks at my job yesterday. I am sad to go but am excited to play stay at home mom again. I want to go back to school  so I think it will be nice to take some time off and be with Blake before I go back to school in April. Pretty sure I made up my mind that I want to be a teacher, my whole life as long as I can remember I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I still have to get my AA so I have a little time before I have to choose exactly what I want to do.

I have made it one whole month with out buying anything!! I actually have not bought anything not second hand so far in 2012! With the exception of my personal trainer, I am so proud of myself!! This is a big step! And, I better get used to it since I am going to be even more broke now that I put in my two weeks!

Better start cleaning the house while Blake is still asleep! It only took him an hour to fall asleep.... sheesh!