...Forever and ever my baby you'll be.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever my baby you'll be."

My mom used to read me that book when I was little. Now I can't even get through the first page without sobbing. Blake had another follow up this morning. His pediatrician is out of town for a month long vacation and so we had to see a different doctor. I needed to get Blake in for his follow up for his delay and to have some paper work for his daycare filled out. Normally I would have waited until his pediatrician was back in town but since I needed to get this paper work in before hand, there was no sense in waiting.

The good news: Blake has gained three pounds in the last 3 months and has grown 4 inches! Finally he is growing! Up until now, Blake has weighed the same as he did when he was 10 months old, barley growing. In fact, I just cycled out some 9 and 12 month clothes from his closet. He is now at the 30th percentile for kids his age!! My sweet little shrimp!

The other news: This doctor also ran some tests for Blake's delay. Since it has been 3 months since he was first diagnosed they decided to run it again. The doctor said that I should expect Blake to act like a baby longer. That I need to lower my expectations and realize we might be in this stage for sometime. Its so hard for me, I feel like nothing has changed since Blake's first birthday other than his hair and clothing size. I almost feel like he has regressed. The doctor said that he doesn't think they will be focusing on any outside issues any longer such as; hearing and sight. He said that now my job is to focus on his strengths and helping him build his strengths.

I don't think I was mentally or emotionally prepared for this visit. It wasn't what i was expecting at all. In fact I think I was expecting him to say that Blake was perfectly normal, that the tests sometimes don't reflect the right things. But no, this doctor was the fifth professional to tell me that my son is delayed. That he is not like normal children, and needs extra help. Blake needs to continue with weekly therapy and come in to the doctor again in two weeks. He needs additional testing. For some reason I was thinking that Blake would just catch up and be a normal kid. This doctor told me flat out that Blake might not "catch up". I never thought that was an option. Or maybe I just chose to ignore it. On our way home I bawled my eyes out. Blake was so concerned and was sad that I was sad. I don't know how to feel or act. I know I need to be strong for him. He needs to know I love him just the way he is, he is my most precious prized possession. Yet, I wish he was different. How do I come to terms with that. I love him no matter what, but I wish that he was like other kids. That just doesn't sound right. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know who to talk to, Blake's bio dad doesn't care, and I am sure if I told him about this appointment all he would say is "Well you already knew that. What's the big deal?" He doesn't have to deal with the tantrums, the screaming, the kicking and biting, the hitting, the out of control diaper changes, the hours of crying, the frustration of trying to do every day normal tasks. He will never understand. The nighttime waking, never being called mama/dada, the obsessions, the spinning and opening and closing for hours. Every day is a struggle. Don't get me wrong we have plenty of happy, funny, silly moments; but they are few and far between. Most of our time is spent struggling in some way to get through our daily routines. Why should I call Blake's father to share in my moment of pain, and look for support when he doesn't even care. Why should I call my girlfriends when all they will say is, it will get better. But they don't know. Nothing anyone says will make this situation better or hurt less. I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away. I wish I could hear my son call me Mama, I wish he would rest his head on me, or hug me. I wish that it didn't matter to me. That I could brush off all these feelings and embrace it and deal with it and not shut down. I wish I could be strong and not let this break me down. I am just falling apart. I don't know what to do to make this better.

I know that other parent's have it worse. I am lucky that my son doesn't have a life threatening illness or disease. I know that I need to make a gratitude list and that I need to embrace my son and my life as it is. Dwelling on the negative and feeling pity for myself and my son will do nothing. Sometimes its hard to hold your head up. I will do my best to stay positive and go about my life as I normally would. I suppose I should change out of my sweats and shower and look put together. Maybe if I look it on the outside, I'll feel it on the inside? One can hope.

New and Exciting

Parting with Piper was difficult, but it has made our lives less stressful and for that I am grateful.

I got a VERY part time nanny gig for a little boy a few months younger than Blake and very close to my house. It's not a lot of money, but anything extra is great. I will be able to take Blake with me when I need to, and most of the time he will be with my Grandma. So it works out that I am not paying for care for Blake while caring for another child.

Blake has started to make great strides in his treatment. It is obvious to me that he is starting to understand more and using his listening skills much better. He has started to climb on everything, if I run to the bathroom, by the time I am back he is standing on top of the kitchen table! AHH! He has all of a sudden let me read him books and is now constantly bringing me books to read to him! I love it, it's finally paying off. He can sit next to me nicely and let me read him a story. I love seeing his eyes light up, and pointing to different things he wants to learn about. Before I could never keep his attention long enough to get through one sentence, I know that is pretty common but it was almost as though the sound of my voice bothered him. Blake has also started hitting/scratching/biting. All kids do this, but his outbursts are a little more intense and strange. It's like he is mad at me for something. He loves my Mom and my Grandma but every time he sees me it's like he is enraged and will hit/scratch/bite me nonstop. When he wakes up in the morning he is so happy, and then I walk in his room to get him he screams and attacks me. When we try and play together he runs up and hits me. It's an all the time thing. Its been going on for at least a week straight, hopefully we can get to the bottom of this soon, because its kind of breaking my heart!

In good Blake news... he had a modeling gig on Wednesday and another on Friday! On Wednesday he had a shoot for Zulily, check them out here:  http://www.zulily.com/invite/astewart801  
and on Friday he had a shoot for an artist management company called FKB Artist Management, check them out here: http://fkbartistmanagement.com
At Zulily, Blake modeled a couple outfits. One was an adorable hoodie sweatshirt and the other was this AWFUL Halloween romper. I mean it was bad! It will be up on the site in about two weeks and you can see for yourself... yikes! As for his FKB shoot... my Grandmother took him... and it doesn't sound like it went very well. Hopefully they can see past the fact that my Grandma had him in a stained shirt!!! EEK! Oh well, they were hiring for a spread in Costume Express, a catalog that comes out around Halloween time and sells Halloween Costumes.http://www.costumeexpress.com/ He would be perfect for the gig, I just hope he impressed them enough. :)

It's official, I go back to school in 23 days! I am so excited and ready! I just hope my Financial Aid check comes in, otherwise I will be scrambling to make money. Not going is just not an option for me. I want to fulfill my dream of becoming an elementary school teacher, and I am determined to do so.

Here's to cute babies and making dreams come true <3

Arielle Michelle

Saying Goodbye

Today is a difficult day for me. I am saying goodbye to my Piper love. My sweet little puppy that I wanted so bad and drove all the way down to Southern Oregon to get. My cousin Elisabeth is taking her, and I am so happy that she will go to a good home. I am just disappointed that I am not the one that can give her the love and care that she needs. I don't think its fair to bring this sweet innocent puppy into my home and then have to give her away because I do not have the funds to properly train her.

Piper is the alpha, and she has been "marking" everywhere that my other dog likes to sleep. Bella's bed(s), my bed, the couch, my mom's bed. Not to mention my floor. Piper was almost completely house broken and then she just gave up. She will pee right in front of me, or in my bed when I am sleeping. She has even peed on my mom.... Of course this makes me angry and frustrated, but I feel like with a little work this problem can be solved. I am heartbroken that I have to give her away because of it. I know that everything going on with Blake is stressful, and its hard when I have to put Blake second because, I am taking the puppy out, or cleaning a puppy mess, etc. Blake isn't very nice to the puppy either, he often hits her, pulls her fur, and the other day I caught him biting her! Every time Piper finds a toy she wants to play with Blake takes it from her and then cries when she goes after him. Its stressful, I am hoping that I will feel a sense of relief when she goes... but right now I am just sad. I have been crying non-stop... it might have something to do with the fact that I just got my wisdom teeth taken out and the pain killers make me feel weird.

Piper will be living with my cousin/best friend Elisabeth in Puyallup. So she will only be about two hours away. I worry because they have a kitten, and they don't have a fenced yard. I know that Elisabeth is responsible and everything will be fine. I am just the biggest worrier. Piper will get to be around two adorable kids every other week who will just love her to death. Well, I better go put together her bag of belongings.

Until next time,

Arielle

Feeling frustrated

It's been a while since I have posted. We missed our last appointment with Nancy because Blake was having a rough day and I canceled. She was on vacation this week and our next appointment isn't until Monday afternoon... which happens to be the same day I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out. So that should be interesting. We had our family reunion last Sunday and it was fun for Blake to get to see some of his cousin's but it was really hot and we didn't stay for that long. Here is Blake with two of his cousin's at the reunion:

I started to feel like Blake was making great progress with his therapy, and I was getting really excited but I often feel like we are slipping backwards. The other day Blake wanted something that was on the table, so he pulled out a chair climbed up and grabbed what he wanted. This was the first time he had ever done anything like that. I am so proud of him! Blake has also started to understand what I am saying more. I asked him to help me find his shoe and he actually looked for it! It felt so good to see him understand what I was saying and act on it. I try really hard not to get caught up on the negative things but sometimes it becomes too much. Blake hates for me to touch him. He has to initiate the touch and it is never for very long. Its hard for me when he is sad and I want to hug him but it just makes him scream harder. He probably cries for over half of the day, whining or crying of some type. I think its probably because he can't tell me what he wants or what he needs but it's so frustrating to have to try and guess and he just gets more frustrated because I am not doing the right thing. 

Another frustration for me this week was getting his final evaluation from the Little Red Schoolhouse. I knew that he qualified for the program because he was diagnosed with a developmental delay. I know that he is not like other kids, I know that he needs extra attention and help. His results said that at 18 months he has the social ability of a 9 month old, the cognitive ability of an 11 month old, adaptability of a 12 month old and so on. It was hard to read. I went through his baby book the other day and he was talking at 5 months, he said "hi" and "mama" and "Bella" but then one day he just stopped. What happened? Did something happen? Could have this been prevented?! Was it something I did, did I neglect him? Did something happen when I left him at his other grandparents house? Was it from his jaundice and because we had different blood types? Was it because he was premature? Was it because he fell off the couch at 13 months? Was it because his babysitter didn't strap him in his highchair and he fell out? (Both accidents he was in in the ER and diagnosed with a concussion) Was it because the hospital released him too early and the 8 hours that we were home he had brain damage?! I can not let these things go. I can't get over that I could have possibly done something different to make it so this never happened. I want to be optimistic, I want to look towards the progress, and see the changes, and be happy but I keep getting held back. 

Another issue I am having is with my mother again. I don't know if I have a sense of too much entitlement, or if I would be too uncomfortable with another situation. Just today when my mother saw me writing this she asked me if it was about her again. She was very offended by my post. I apologized to her, but she said I was lying. Everything I said was truthful. I understand that we have different perspectives and the only thing that she could come up with is that I  "lied" about was that I only passed out food to the homeless on two accounts that she could remember... interesting. She said that it made her reevaluate everything, that I was just tolerating her, and that I never really loved her. That she isn't mean to my friends, that I lied about that. I told her that those words came straight from my friends. That my friends don't like to come here when she is around because she is not friendly and is rude. She once slapped me across my face and bashed my head into the side of the window because I ate a single tater-tot of hers. While my horrified friends Rose and Annie watched in the backseat. She is probably going to hate me for saying that, but its true. I know I was a VERY difficult child/teenager, and I have apologized many times. I wish that I never had to put my mom in those situations. I pray that Blake doesn't put me through that either. I do have fun with her, and we do laugh together and enjoy going and doing things together some of the time. I just feel like a burden to her. I have felt that way as long as I can remember. Maybe I am defensive and rude because I have some underlying hurt feelings, or feelings of being unwanted. I just wish we could get this worked out. That we could live together and be happy. I hate having to rely on her. This isn't the life she wanted and I'm not helping.

 I feel like my only option is moving in with a roommate, and working full time on top of going to school full time. I would have to put Blake in state funded daycare, one of the ones that are open 24 hours and take kids up to 12 years of age and take children in on a "drop-in" basis. I just can't do that, I have heard too many stories of abuse in those situations as well as experienced it myself. I would feel like I was endangering my child by doing that. I also have been looking at room-shares on craigslist and people are constantly saying "no kids". If I were to work full time and go to school full time, I would never see Blake, on top of not being able to qualify for financial aid, which is the only way I can afford school. I will actually be making more money as a full time student on a Pell Grant, then I did when I was working as a medical assistant.

 Its a good thing I started going to therapy so that I can get some of these issues worked out. I just wish I could change the situation with my mom. That she and I could understand each other better. My first piece of "homework" from my therapist was to understand where my mom is coming from and to try and see things from her point of view. I got as far as, she never asked for this. She wants her own space. She tries to mother Blake because she didn't get to spend a lot of time with me when I was a baby. I hope that if she reads this she isn't offended. I told her that my blog was an honest look at how I feel and that I didn't mean to offend her. I feel bad that she's offended. I just needed to get my feelings out there.

Until next time.

<3 Arielle

My first time away from Blake

Let me start with last week.

Blake had his appointment with Nancy (and  has another this afternoon) where I created a "sensory play" activity. I took an empty clear container with a lid and put some old cereal in it (some fiber squares no one was ever going to eat) and then a big empty plastic bowl, some measuring cups and a spoon. I then grabbed a small muffin pan and some coffee beans and put the coffee beans inside the individual muffin sections. We went upstairs to Blake's room since he seems to focus better up there and the dogs wouldn't be all over him. He loved it! He probably played for a half hour (which is a REALLY long time for Blake to do one activity) and then moved on to other things in his room. Nancy said the goal of the sensory activity was to try and see if he would be able to be focused on play and learning. Nancy would try and get him to say "more" when scooping or giving him individual pieces. She said that most times its easier to get kids to pay attention to you when they are focused on an activity that they liked. That was not the case with Blake. We will see how today goes.

One of my friends has recently moved very close by. We went to high school together and she has a daughter a week older than Blake. Her name is Maybelle and she is absolutely adorable! She is so smart and funny, she is really just wonderful! I think its great that Blake can be around her more and learn from her. They have a pool at their new complex and we have gone swimming with them twice. It has been amazing for me to see Blake so relaxed and just happy. I am so grateful that they have moved closer to us! Here is a picture of Blake and Maybelle after swimming earlier this week :)

We also went and had lunch with some of Blake's cousins in Snohomish. My mom's first cousins are younger than her and both have kids 6-12 months older than Blake. This was the first time we have gotten them all together at the same time. They had a great time being silly and laughing at each other. Hopefully we can get them together again soon! This is the best picture I could get...

So now for my first time away from Blake... I have never spent a weekend away before. I have spent a night away but I left after Blake went to bed and I was back before he got up, and I was in the ER so I don't really count that! I needed a break, just time to relax and get a little mental health time in. I decided I would go see my sister in Spokane and that we would go to the Silverwood Theme Park in Idaho. I only had $150 to bring with me. No extra money in the bank, nothing. This was pushing it. If anything went wrong I would be completely stranded/screwed/fucked. 

Here is how I pulled it off: 

• I found discounted park tickets at Costco... not much but saved about 25%. Ticket Price:$35
• RIDESHARE: This was my biggest money saver... I had been looking on CL to see if there were any babysitting gigs or last minute things I could sell to make my stay a little more comfortable. I have seen the Rideshare section before but never thought to click on it. Something told me that I should just do it. So I put out an ad saying I was headed to Spokane on Friday morning and if anyone wanted a ride it would be $35 each way. So I took a rider with me on the way there and one on the way back. Total I spent on gas: $36 ($21 of which I found in my change jar and took to a coinstar before I left) 
• No eating out!  I packed all my snacks and drinks from home, I had 3 water bottles that I made Iced Passion tea in before I left on Friday morning. Made a turkey sandwich and brought some crackers. I was lucky enough to be able to eat at my sisters and not have to go out for dinner that night. Saturday morning we ate toast for breakfast and packed our lunches once again.
•  I brought $60 spending money since this was my big "purchase" my sister brought $50 and we decided we would just put our money together and whatever we wanted we would get. We ended up with $30 left over and after 11 hours at the theme park, decided we would get a pizza on our way home. 
• I left early Sunday morning with $34 left in my wallet. My rideshare filled up the tank and then I put $15 in in Ellensburg and called it good. 

I still can't really believe I pulled that off, but I did and boy am I proud of myself! I even got to make two new friends with doing the rideshare. Lee, on the way over; a 25 year old "wwoofer" http://www.wwoof.org/ on his way to a Buddhist Monastery, ridesharing and wwofing his way from the Indiana/Kentucky border. And Trevor on the way back; a 20 year old Mt.Spokane graduate, looking to make a name for himself outside of the "town" he grew up in. I had a great time with both of them, I had the best conversation with Lee, but had a great time jamming out to some good ol' Fleetwood Mac with Trevor. I will 100% rideshare again.

Boy did I miss Blake! The first night I found myself almost panicked. I missed him a lot, I was worried that my mom was overwhelmed with the dogs and Blake and it being so hot and humid. When I called my grandparents to talk to him on Saturday he burst into tears at the sound of my voice. Boy did that make me feel bad! I know that it was healthy for me to be away but next time I will bring him with me. It was hard for me to figure out that time away anyway. It will be easier to bring him along and that way we won't miss each other! 

Little man is up early from his nap! 

<3 Arielle

"Don't quit five minutes before the miracle"

Blake had his first real therapy appointment on Friday afternoon. Nancy our "Coach" has been to the house several times but our other visits weren't actually therapy visits they were goal setting and assessments. So I was looking forward to making some type of progress. I had meant to do this post right after she left because I was feeling disappointed, and a bit frustrated but I just never got around to doing it.

Nancy showed up 25 minutes late with no call or text... irritating. I realize we all have busy lives and that everyone runs late sometimes, but its nice to get a heads up... We sit down and she asks me which goal I would like to focus on for the day. I decided to go with communication, since it is our biggest problem. 

I understand that she doesn't know Blake and his abilities, but she seemed completely unprepared. She observed for a bit, and they attempted to play with a puzzle that I had bought for Blake the week before. She came to the conclusion that he doesn't seem interested with things for too long. That he gives up and moves onto the next toy, before he figures out how to work it. He often paces from the kitchen to the family room without any real reason. He almost seems bored. Obviously, I know this since I am with him every day... what can we do to change this, is the question. Nancy seemed like she was worried that she wouldn't be able to come up with therapeutic activities that would hold his attention. She kept saying "Hmm, well I don't know about that." Okay, that's not really reassuring... 

About the only helpful, yet bothersome, idea that she came up with was baby talk. Yes, simple speech. She said that I talk to him like an adult, or like he is older, or understands more. I admit it, I talk "baby talk" to him sometimes, high pitched voice, silly talk etc. I just don't feel like saying "Baby want milk?" is beneficial, I say "Blake, would you like some milk to drink?" But, I'm not the expert. I always wait for Blake to answer me, even if he can't say yes or no, I can usually understand if he wants something or not. If he wants a food item he will say "num num" and if he wants something else he will put his arm out and make this awful whiny noise. We make it work. Its difficult and frustrating not knowing what he wants or why he is upset at this age when I see other kids able to express themselves more clearly. I wonder if a reason I was feeling burnt out before is because I don't feel like my son has been making any cognitive progress. Anyway, Nancy suggested that I use the "pausing" strategy for other activities; showing him how a toy works, diaper and clothing changes, etc. I am not sure how I can do that more, she said to me that many of the things that they suggest parents do, I already do. This gives me mixed feelings, first and foremost I am more frustrated. I am already doing and have been doing these techniques to help my son, yet I see no progress. So how is this woman going to help us any, if I am already doing the strategies, and techniques she came here to teach me. On the second hand, it makes me feel good that I naturally can do these things to help my son. 

The only real activity that Nancy and Blake did was blowing bubbles. She was trying to get Blake to say "more" when she stopped blowing the bubbles. "More" is a word that I have been trying to get Blake to say for a long time, since he was an infant. He will make an "Mmm" sound when reminded to say "more" but can not form the word. Nancy then decided we should schedule next week's appointment and that I needed to come up with a form of sensory play for him to do at the visit. She suggested dry rice in a bin for scooping. That was the only suggestion and she told me that it would be my job to think of the activity. This bothered me a bit, maybe I was just extra sensitive that day. Did I expect a miracle? I have worked in a Montessori preschool and took a year of Early Childhood Development so I know some sensory play techniques and use them often with Blake since its the only real bonding we can do. (He doesn't like me to initiate touch, so he doesn't like snuggling or hugging, sitting on  my lap etc.) I suppose I will work on planning an activity for us to do on Tuesday afternoon next week. 

I suppose I need to remember that good ol' saying "Don't quit five minutes before the miracle". It's something I used to hear all the time when I was first trying to get sober (7 years ago) and it's stuck with me. I know that if I continue to work with Blake daily and give it my best that we will see progress.

<3 Arielle

Homemade Shampoo

Coconut milk shampoo! As I promised in my post a few days ago... here is my shampoo recipe:

In a glass measuring cup pour in 7 oz of canned coconut milk. I used Thai Kitchen because it is pure coconut milk, water and sugar. No preservatives.( I could have made my own but lets face it, I'm not that dedicated... yet) I poured two oz of the castile soap and then an ounce of honey and a few drops of the pure coconut oil. I also added vanilla extract for the smell, but just a tad. I then stirred the mix and placed it in the microwave for 15 seconds. (The coconut milk can harden and separate when cooled so in order to make it a liquid just throw it in the microwave for a few seconds) Then pour into a dispenser of your choice. I bought the one above for .99 cents at World Market ( http://www.worldmarket.com/home/index.jsp?camp=ppc%3AGoogle%3ABrand_*Core%3Aworld_market&gclid=CNeo9se-urECFSc0Qgod6jQAXA)
I refrigerate after every use, but whether or not you would like to do that is up to you. I have left it out a night and it was fine.

Do not use this shampoo every day. It will not leave your hair with that squeaky clean feeling that you are used to with regular shampoo (that strips your hair of its natural oils). I have very long thick hair, running out of conditioner in the shower is usually my worst nightmare. I have not had to use conditioner once with this shampoo. If you feel you do need conditioner you can rinse your hair with apple cider vinegar or lemon juice. Also a hot oil mask works wonders. I prefer coconut oil (I am obsessed with coconut oil. I will have to dedicate a post just about how much I love it soon.) just put the coconut oil in a pyrex glass measuring cup and adjust to how long your hair is. I use about 4- 6 oz (I have a lot of hair!) and warm for about 25 seconds. Pour on your hair (CAREFULLY!) making sure to get all of it soaked with the oil, from ends to roots. Put a shower cap or saran wrap over your hair for about 30 minutes and then rinse off in the shower. It will take awhile to get out of your hair, but it will be so soft and luxurious after!

Again, if you are wondering why I have decided to do this you can go to: http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ to look up the beauty products you are using and the corresponding health grade.

Not the best picture... doesn't do my hair justice, but to give you an example of what I mean when I say I have long/thick hair (currently past the middle of my back)

That's it for now.

<3 Arielle