It's been a while since I have posted. We missed our last appointment with Nancy because Blake was having a rough day and I canceled. She was on vacation this week and our next appointment isn't until Monday afternoon... which happens to be the same day I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out. So that should be interesting. We had our family reunion last Sunday and it was fun for Blake to get to see some of his cousin's but it was really hot and we didn't stay for that long. Here is Blake with two of his cousin's at the reunion:
I started to feel like Blake was making great progress with his therapy, and I was getting really excited but I often feel like we are slipping backwards. The other day Blake wanted something that was on the table, so he pulled out a chair climbed up and grabbed what he wanted. This was the first time he had ever done anything like that. I am so proud of him! Blake has also started to understand what I am saying more. I asked him to help me find his shoe and he actually looked for it! It felt so good to see him understand what I was saying and act on it. I try really hard not to get caught up on the negative things but sometimes it becomes too much. Blake hates for me to touch him. He has to initiate the touch and it is never for very long. Its hard for me when he is sad and I want to hug him but it just makes him scream harder. He probably cries for over half of the day, whining or crying of some type. I think its probably because he can't tell me what he wants or what he needs but it's so frustrating to have to try and guess and he just gets more frustrated because I am not doing the right thing.
Another frustration for me this week was getting his final evaluation from the Little Red Schoolhouse. I knew that he qualified for the program because he was diagnosed with a developmental delay. I know that he is not like other kids, I know that he needs extra attention and help. His results said that at 18 months he has the social ability of a 9 month old, the cognitive ability of an 11 month old, adaptability of a 12 month old and so on. It was hard to read. I went through his baby book the other day and he was talking at 5 months, he said "hi" and "mama" and "Bella" but then one day he just stopped. What happened? Did something happen? Could have this been prevented?! Was it something I did, did I neglect him? Did something happen when I left him at his other grandparents house? Was it from his jaundice and because we had different blood types? Was it because he was premature? Was it because he fell off the couch at 13 months? Was it because his babysitter didn't strap him in his highchair and he fell out? (Both accidents he was in in the ER and diagnosed with a concussion) Was it because the hospital released him too early and the 8 hours that we were home he had brain damage?! I can not let these things go. I can't get over that I could have possibly done something different to make it so this never happened. I want to be optimistic, I want to look towards the progress, and see the changes, and be happy but I keep getting held back.
Another issue I am having is with my mother again. I don't know if I have a sense of too much entitlement, or if I would be too uncomfortable with another situation. Just today when my mother saw me writing this she asked me if it was about her again. She was very offended by my post. I apologized to her, but she said I was lying. Everything I said was truthful. I understand that we have different perspectives and the only thing that she could come up with is that I "lied" about was that I only passed out food to the homeless on two accounts that she could remember... interesting. She said that it made her reevaluate everything, that I was just tolerating her, and that I never really loved her. That she isn't mean to my friends, that I lied about that. I told her that those words came straight from my friends. That my friends don't like to come here when she is around because she is not friendly and is rude. She once slapped me across my face and bashed my head into the side of the window because I ate a single tater-tot of hers. While my horrified friends Rose and Annie watched in the backseat. She is probably going to hate me for saying that, but its true. I know I was a VERY difficult child/teenager, and I have apologized many times. I wish that I never had to put my mom in those situations. I pray that Blake doesn't put me through that either. I do have fun with her, and we do laugh together and enjoy going and doing things together some of the time. I just feel like a burden to her. I have felt that way as long as I can remember. Maybe I am defensive and rude because I have some underlying hurt feelings, or feelings of being unwanted. I just wish we could get this worked out. That we could live together and be happy. I hate having to rely on her. This isn't the life she wanted and I'm not helping.
I feel like my only option is moving in with a roommate, and working full time on top of going to school full time. I would have to put Blake in state funded daycare, one of the ones that are open 24 hours and take kids up to 12 years of age and take children in on a "drop-in" basis. I just can't do that, I have heard too many stories of abuse in those situations as well as experienced it myself. I would feel like I was endangering my child by doing that. I also have been looking at room-shares on craigslist and people are constantly saying "no kids". If I were to work full time and go to school full time, I would never see Blake, on top of not being able to qualify for financial aid, which is the only way I can afford school. I will actually be making more money as a full time student on a Pell Grant, then I did when I was working as a medical assistant.
Its a good thing I started going to therapy so that I can get some of these issues worked out. I just wish I could change the situation with my mom. That she and I could understand each other better. My first piece of "homework" from my therapist was to understand where my mom is coming from and to try and see things from her point of view. I got as far as, she never asked for this. She wants her own space. She tries to mother Blake because she didn't get to spend a lot of time with me when I was a baby. I hope that if she reads this she isn't offended. I told her that my blog was an honest look at how I feel and that I didn't mean to offend her. I feel bad that she's offended. I just needed to get my feelings out there.
Until next time.
<3 Arielle
