I haven't written in awhile because life gets crazy sometimes! In the last few weeks I've been trying to figure it all out. It seems like maybe I am lost without a job, but I'm not sure. Not that being a stay at home mom isn't a job and the biggest one at that, I'm just thinking maybe I'm not cut out for it. After a particularly cranky week last week and getting up with Blake 6 times last night, I am exhausted.
My ex boyfriend has practically moved in here, not that its far from the norm for him. But last night was the first night we spent apart in 6 days. My mom finally asked me if he was moving in and I told him he had to go home for the night. I went to bed at 9:30, it was amazing... until Blake woke up at 12, and then 1, and then 2:15 and then 3, and then 3:30 and then when I finally got up for the morning at 3:56.... I don't know whats going on with my ex and I. We used to do this all the time, he would stay here for weeks and then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. This is part of the reason we stopped talking in the first place, after I had Blake and he started getting attached I didn't want him disappearing all the time. Blake has started calling him Dada, even though from the time he was a few weeks old we have been calling him "CeCe". Its hard for him and I to have a normal friend relationship, I feel like I'm in a sexless relationship. Like were some old married couple that just doesn't have sex. We go out to dinner and no matter what restaurant we go to, we always know what the other one is going to order. He makes me breakfast in the morning, he cooks my eggs perfectly. He puts my baby in the highchair and feeds him, gets him in and out of the car, takes him to the children's museum, babysits him while I have to run an errand and even puts him down for a nap without a fuss! He cleans my house, does the dishes, sweeps, drives my car, carries my bags, etc. We are really good at compromising we never argue about what tv to watch or what to listen to in the car, we have the same values as far as raising children go. But we just aren't made for each other. If we disagree on something, there better not be anyone within a 20 ft radius of the two of us because dishes will fly. He drinks like a fish, and it drives me crazy. It wasn't like that when we got together the day after I turned 18 and he was 27... I was sober then and he liked that. Until I relapsed and all hell broke loose. We have had many nights when a simple night of drinking and movies at home have turned into holes in the wall and trips to the hospital. That's why we broke up in the first place, so when I see him drink a glass of wine at 11:30 am, it freaks me out. I don't want Blake growing up around that kind of thing. I hardly ever drink, but when he's around its like my inner alcoholic comes out and I am right there drinking with him. I love the man to death, I have bailed his ass out off jail numerous times, given him a place to stay when he has no place else to go, he helped me with Blake right after he was home from the hospital, he gave him his first bath because I was too scared. I just don't want to be unavailable to some other guy because I'm too emotionally attached to my ex. Which reminds me...
Still hung up over Georgie. I don't know if its my loss of friendship with him or if its the fact that the words "I hoped there was something more between us... I can't be worried about you and Blake when I'm doing what I do... I can't be a dad now" linger in my head all the time. I am sad, I don't understand how he can just move on with his life and not look back and I am just stuck here. I feel like a girl who lived in a tiny town in middle America who stayed there got knocked up and her high school sweetheart went off to do big things in the world and when he came back for her he realized that she was still stuck in that life in that small town not going anywhere. Maybe I'm just super self conscious. I always feel like if I was just a little bit more like this or that, then he would want me. Like with my ex, neither one of us has tried to make a move on the other, but I guarantee you that if I was skinny right now, he would be all over me. I know that I can't just change myself over night but I am going to go back to bed this morning and when I wake back up I am going to love myself. I am going to feel beautiful and pretty and like I'm the kind of bitch that wouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve.
So with that, I am going to go take a morning nap and wake up with a positive vibe.
